Midwest Bias with Jack Fu and The Diddy

Remember that stretch?

2010-03-27T02:02:00.003-04:00

Here's when we lost. There was a stretch where they had about 6 straight dunks while we settled for 6 straight 25 footers. Dielber picked a fine time to re-enact his freshman year. It's okay, I don't think I could handle another 40 minutes of Evan Turner dribbling the ball up the court. I hope Sullinger is good next year.

Our emotionally abusive Buckeye relationship goes on. Meanwhile a gimped up MSU plays for a trip the Final Four. If Tennessee shits the bed on Sunday I'm going to be pissed. (Kentucky might win this tourny by 25 ever game)

OK that was better...

2010-03-21T19:17:00.003-04:00

I think the team played better today (obviously in the 2nd half) than on Friday. Turner still had too many turnovers (was it nine?). I think there are still a lot of things offensively that need to be improved (like shot selection). Our guys almost always connect when they're open and on balance. Dielber is streaky but what I liked about his performance was that he was able to score on fast breaks. He isn't as scared with the ball though his left hand must be an insecurity as he made a routine layup way more difficult but hooking it around with his right.

Defensively we're good. No foul trouble. Free throws almost cost us in the end but overall not a bad percentage there either. Georgia Tech made its mistakes as a young team will but after their great start I'm proud of the way our guys came back and took over.

So Tennessee is the next opponent. They're another one of those teams that can beat anyone in the country, or lose badly as they showed against Kentucky (winning and losing). Unless we go stone cold from the perimeter I think we can handle them (as well as Michigan State or Iowa State!).

Hope?!

2010-03-18T22:15:00.003-04:00

Georgetown lost to...~~The~~Ohio ~~State~~ University just minutes ago! I might be able to return to my on site ways as my friend has purchased a ticket for me and him to see the regional final in St. Louis on March 28. (Possibly us vs. Kansas if they can recover from an early deficit to Lehigh...they will)

Leave a comment (even a blank one) if anyone is still checking this blog.

Probably a 2 seed

2010-03-14T16:07:00.003-04:00

It's midway through the first half of the Big Ten Championship a few hours before the selection show. Duke won so I can't imagine us beating them out for a 1 seed, but it puts as the number one 2 seed, meaning we'll get into Duke or West Virginia's bracket. It's not that I'm confident we can beat those teams, but I think they're more likely to be upset than Kentucky or Kansas obviously.

Clark Kellogg is doing his best to establish two things:
1. He's not going to be a homer announcer.
2. Making sense isn't very important.

...And holy shit Deebler just dunked one on a breakaway!

Now onto the negativity you've come to know and love from me.

1. Evan Turner can't have more than 3 turnovers per game. In other words, stop throwing it to Deebler on the fast break. Evan and others need to stop gambling on defense so much as well.

2. We only have 6 guys. PJ Hill has disappeared. Everyone is tired so it wouldn't surprise me to see us blow this game late in the 2nd half. The Gophers use 8-10 guys and had a blowout win yesterday.

3. We're still a little dum-bah...Note the end of the first half and the silly turnovers against Illinois. (not nearly as dumb as last year though)

4. We haven't won a NCAA tourny game since Greg Oden was playing (though we won the NIT that one year).

5. The committee usually screws us over with who we play, where we play, and when we play (first game of the tournament sometimes).

On a good note...

1. Deebler seems to be able to shoot this year and has the most 3's by any Buckeye in history (who had the record before him?).

2. Turner seems to try harder when we need it.

3. Florida should be out.

4. A lot of the other good teams have struggled. Syracuse, Kentucky, and even Duke aren't peaking right now.

5. There's a chance we could play Ohio U. That'd be fun, right?

UPDATE--After hitting 11 or so shots in a row this game has turned into a much needed blowout. They finally played a complete game without too many droughts. Lighty looks great so even though we only have 6 guys who can play, they're a really strong 6.

I'll try and give my bracket breakdown and perhaps we'll get a bracket going on espn.com. More updates later this week. What a strong decade (I'm counting this season as last decade) for Ohio State as far as the Big Ten is concerned. How many basketball and football titles did we win?

Good news, Bad News

2009-12-05T19:36:00.003-05:00

Bad News first...Evan Turner is out for 8 weeks with a Jay Burson type neck injury.

Good news, Florida is going to lose...I hope they get paired up with TCU (is that possible?) and lose in front of the whole country.

Alabama must feel like we did after the '02 Michigan game.

World Series Game 6 (Forgive me, I'm a Yankees fan)

2009-11-04T20:27:00.012-05:00

After 1 inning neither team has done much. Rudy Giuliani's woman is freezing which seems to match her frozen plastic surgery expression. I've started a drinking game involving taking a drink every time the Yankee fans start the Who's Your Daddy chant. This game can be repeated at some open mic comedy shows as that hacky line finds it way into a lot of acts.

In the bottom of the 2nd after an A-Rod walk Matsui has come close to hitting one out and hitting a double, both foul. This game will come close to 4 1/2 hours I have a feeling. Pedro had a meeting with his catcher after his first damn pitch.

Matsui hits a 2 run homer!!! Crowd erupts...no outs! Momentum! Glory!

After 2 innings, 2-0 Yankees.

Phillies score on a pinball triple and a sac fly. Good news is Pettitte isn't throwing many pitches, 37 through 3. Gardner, who is filling in for an injured Cabrera, seems to be a liability in the field and at bat. Jeter singles with 1 out.

Pedro seems to be throwing just as many change-ups tonight. If the Yankees stay patient with that they won't fall behind in the count. The goal is to be tied or ahead and have Pedro hit 100 pitches by the 6th inning. The Phillies have an HK and a coat hanging in the dugout to honor a fallen icon. So far this postseason the Yankees are 1-0 against teams who hang clothes in honor of a fallen friend in their dugout.

With one out in the bottom of 3, Damon walks on the 51st pitch by Pedro. Bullpen being called. Teixeira is hit and bases are loaded for A-Rod. Even a sac fly would be great here to regain the 2 run lead. A-Rod strikes out on a ball way outside. Matsui again with an RBI single!

Top of the 5th led off with a strikeout by Pettitte. Just counting down to the 8th.

We're counting down the outs until Rivera. Pettitte came off a couple outs too late but oh well. 7-3 after Matsui makes a case to be resigned instead of Damon...probably won't happen though. Joba to get it to Rivera.

Into the 7th, this would seem to be the best chance for the Phillies to come back with 2 guys on and Utley up to bat. Marte relieves Joba and it's 0-2. Strike 3 on a check swing! 3 pitch K!

Into the 8th, will Rivera pitch the 8th inning? Maybe not with a 4 run lead.

Worst Free Safety Ever

2009-09-09T10:53:00.002-04:00

Does anyone know what the line is for the USC game? We have to be the underdog, right? For the first time is how many years we're picked to lose at home...tell me that's true. We're going to get shelled, agaaain.

Some Quick Game 1 Observations: Our running backs aren't fast. Tressell used a passing playbook smaller than Tecmo's. Far kicks: easy. Close kicks: Hard. Fans on opening day: Quiet and Lame.

Shaq in Cleveland?

2009-06-15T09:40:00.002-04:00

I don't think it's the answer. He doesn't play enough games and I see that bothering LeBron...and the entire city of Cleveland. He can't make free throws, especially when they're important. How about instead, we go oafter Carlos Boozer who should have never left?

Cavs down 3-2, it's over

2009-05-29T18:08:00.003-04:00

Just another disappointing Ohio team screwing it up for the state. I haven't been able to watch the entire games when the Cavs are playing Orlando but I usually tune in near the end of the first half with this as my thought process...

"Oh good, we're up 6."

Announcer: And the lead that was once 23 is down to six--make that 3 as Orlando hits another one from downtown!

Dammit! Then there are times in the 2nd half when I wonder if the Cavs will even score again. This team reminds me of my dorm team from my freshman year of college. We were so bad that I...ME! Rob Durham, had to do most of the scoring. When that's the case, you're not going to win.

The sad thing is they're a couple (more) buzzer beaters away from having this series clinched. I don't know when Orlando got so good but they remind me of old Spurs teams, even before Tony Parker.

4:00?

2009-04-25T10:10:00.002-04:00

The draft starts at 4:00...ESPN's coverage starts at 11:00. Didn't it used to be a Saturday morning thing? Or at least at noon?
As a Bears fan it's not a huge day for the organization. Cutler, Cutler, Cutler!

Good idea

2009-04-16T14:24:00.003-04:00

I was pretty sure we would beat Michigan this year...but now...now they're trying to steal point guards away from overrated ACC basketball teams to give them the quarterback position...It's too bad that if that happened that little white boy wouldn't be already destroyed from the previous part of the season. Honestly, who goes after point guards from different schools who haven't played football in years? How desperate are they?

Still mad

2009-03-26T20:39:00.002-04:00

So I talked to my Dad the other day. I don't get the inside scoop on things so you may have already heard this a week ago and it's old news. Anyway, PJ Hill was supposed to foul, and didn't. he got caught up in the ~~shining~~ moment. Mullins has 5 step-siblings from 5 different daddies (Really, Miss Mullins? 5?!) so he's gone. He can go Kufos his way in the NBA. The rumor is that Turner is staying. Sullinger's team made the State semi's but he's still a junior. He won Player of the Year for the 2nd year in a row. He's built like LeBron only taller by an inch I've heard.

I thought Sienna would have more white guys

2009-03-20T21:50:00.040-04:00

I'm worried about losing my CBS coverage as Missouri/Illinois thinks they need to watch Wisconsin instead of Ohio State. It's 8-8 and I've been drinking since 2:30 so don't count on this blog being an entire game (really Rob, you're going to bail during a game...again?!). Yes.

Does anyone else think that redheaded girl in the Chevy commercial is annoying as shit? "That's a big girl car!" She's a terrible actress. I know she's 8 and it's a commercial, but she's awful at what she does and I'm sick of her.

See, this liveblog isn't a good idea right now. I'll probably end up having to watch the game on NCAA.com on the good computer in a few minutes.

Wow--Diebler may be the WORST fast break player in division I history. That was honestly the ugliest attempt I've ever seen. And PJ Hill just fired one up from NBA range...where he'll never play.

17-15 Buckeyes, Sienna keeps turning the ball over, some from steals meaning we're better athletically...except Diebler. Good lord was that ugly!

Under 4 and we're up 4...FINALLY a great possession where there were passes all over the place. John Wooden is smiling from his grave...wait-what? He's still alive? Oh, good. Anyway, it's nice to play against a team whose guards may be worse than ours.
With 4 minutes left in the half, I'm convinced that both teams are on the take.

And Diebler goes down...oh no, what will we do. Who will go 3-11 on three's for us? Perhaps now we can do what's called a "fast break."

Ugly continues...we get confused on a half court trap again...hmm, 2 guards and a man in the middle always worked in SEVENTH GRADE!

Again we're just about to the half and this is a tournament game in March. It looks like OSU vs. Athletes in Action in early November. Meanwhile, I new them boyz from Cleveland State would do their thang against Wake Forest! (Can you tell I want to use the slur in a non-racist good way that us white guys only do with our friends, but can't?)

SO THIS WAS THAD'S TIMEOUT?!!!

OK guys, dribble around 35 feet from the bucket, and then don't even get an attempt off...perfect!

This game is the equivalent to a Michigan football offensive performance...we're lucky they're sucking too.

Halftime notes: A few (9) years ago Read Wise and I thought we would become the official Cape Dudes of OSU. That black guy in the Cowboy hat and white outfit seems to get on every effing game now. He probably has some advantages like a salary and a savings account, but he's at EVERY GAME. Some day that will be us.

2nd half--Diebler fading away on the 3 and coming up short...gets the loose ball on a fast break, dribbles to the corner and hands it to ~~someone who deserves a Div. I scholarship~~ PJ Hill.

I'm drunk and this game still looks ugly. Beer goggles don't work on basketball.

If PJ Hill bricks a 3 to Buford who makes it, does that count as an assist? We're up 9 and could easily put this game away.

Timeout....remember a few years ago when we had guys who could do stuff? That was awesome.

Timeout again--we're up 11, I'm on my 8th beer, and Mullins has discovered the ball. The most interesting thing should be Cleveland State's outcome. 2 commercials in a row with a piano solo.

Diebler is 0-5 now...useless. Bored...look at this guy's picture!

Hey--remember when Mullins scored EVERY TIME DOWN to put us up 11? Neither do our guards.

And there goes our lead...it's down to 4 as Thad plays 2 scrubs...and PJ Hill continues to forget to remember to take charge of the ball. Wake is still down 9.

2 point game now as Sienna fat fans jump around. PJ Hill still hasn't figured out how to get the ball across half court in a half court press. Louisville will/would have destroyed us.

Diebler bricks again, Hill makes it? Whaaa? Then Diebler can't rebound on the other end. He's worthless tonight, Thad, get him out of there!

We're up 4 with 8:30 left why not bomb a three before the rest of the team can get down the court.

OUR POINT GUARD HAS 4 GD TURNOVERS NOW!

Wait, why was Walter Offutt in the game earlier? Check out his stats and see if you think Thad was right to include him tonight at a crucial part of the game.

Make that 5 turnovers for Hill, same for Turner who refuses to get his free throws to the rim.

Holy shit! Diebler made one! PJ Hill loses his cool and pushes someone after the whistle, idiot. ( I hope he googles himself and reads this)

As a college coach, at what point do you take Lauderdale aside and reteach his free throws?

Diebler 1-9. For as bad as this game is, should we win, I can't imagine being the team who lost this ugly ass game. This game will be beaten by its step parents for being so terrible. Also, he cannot rebound. It's up to our free throw shooting with under 2 minutes to go. Oh good, here comes Lauderdale at 46% into the game, good move Thad. OK OK good defense, now take him out for offense. Uner a minute, 4 point lead, we'll need to make 4 of 6 free throws in this final minutes to avoid a buzzer beater in my expert drunken opinion.

Mullins 0-1. 0-2...there it is...3 pointer because we're idiots.

In what I'll call our worst posession of all time, we dribble it out and give Turner a contested 20 footer that has no chance. They make 1-2 (had Mullins done that this game would be over). We have the ball and will no doubt miss and do something stupid...told ya.

Diebler improves to 2-10 and we're down 1, tied, up one.

Buford does his usual..."I can't score with under 10 minutes left in the game." Our guards have been given bonus time to figure this half court press out and still can't do it. Honestly, Turner is going to the NBA?

It's not saying much but Mullins may be my favorite player. He rebounds and saves one to Hill. PJ to shoot with less than 10 seconds. Timeout...So really, if we can't make 2 and stop them from hitting a 3, well, this blog will take another hiatus.

Well fuck me...why not foul?

I don't think I've ever hated a group of players so much.

NCAA gameplan

2009-03-16T14:55:00.002-04:00

OK guys, here's what we'll do...

Drive, get ball to Mullins, take early lead. Mullins will get in foul trouble before first TV timeout and have to sit. Buford will make a shot early on to justify him taking a dozen more off balance before the half. From then on Turner will drive and throw up a prayer or kick out to Diebler for a long range three (remember that one he made that one time?). Add a touch of stupid turnovers and a few missed assignments in the zone for wide open dunks and we've got ourselves a gameplan!

Honestly I think we can handle Sienna. I know most brackets will have them upsetting us (as if they watched Seinna play over the season), but after that, yeah, we don't deserve to go against Louisville in the 2nd round. I'm sure they're not happy about it either as we're playing a short drive away from home.

In other tournament picks, I think Memphis got a 1b. seed. That bracket hugs nuts. UCONN will lose early. I expect Memphis to make it back to the final game and possibly win though my first 4 brackets have others. When Jack-Fu gets ours out I'll take Memphis to win it all.

(How great would it have been if Michigan didn't get picked when they had all those people in their gym waiting to cheer?)

Does 1 and done keep Turner in school?

2009-03-15T18:22:00.001-04:00

I sure would have preferred even a 7 or 10 seed. We'd play Boston College of USC (how cute) and then play Michigan State in the 2nd round. I know they would never set that matchup like that but damn...It's a shame Cleveland State won't have a chance to go anywhere (or will they?).

Blogging Big Ten Championship for as long as I can stand it

2009-03-15T15:30:00.012-04:00

Is it me or are a lot of these Championship games ugly? (as we have 2 turnovers in the first 40 seconds) I'll see how much of this game I can stand before Diebler pisses me off enough to slam my computer shut. (My negative ways are still working!) Diebler for 3!

We're back in our zone defense which may conserve energy a bit. Hill can't match up with anyone but can at least get Turner the ball. Turner is the next Michael Redd (next year).

TV timeout 5-4 Buckeyes.

CBS is using the same "ticking" noise to countdown to the selection as they use for 60 Minutes.

Mullins ruins Christmas by goaltending a shot that was going in anyway. Diebler is now 1-3 and 5 minutes into the game we have 2 baskets and 4 turnovers. God bless the Big Ten.

It would be nice to see someone other than Turner step it up. I'm liking this zone defense against Purdue. They're not going to shoot our lights out and it makes the clock wind down. (Our 5th turnover)

9-8 Purdue, they're still missing shots from inside 15 feet. Hummel can't hit anything. Meanwhile the announcers are ignoring the game and voicing their opinions on who belongs in the tournament. Lauderdale shoots like Barkely swing a golf club...and now Hummel finally makes one. We're down 12-9. Under 12 minute TV timeout.

Hummel's now in crazy corn-fed white boy mode. Turner still isn't awake yet. The curl off the wing is our best offense right now. Turner drives again and is stuffed ...by the rim.

As long as our opponents continue to shoot subpar, we'll keep winning. Will-Boo (I just nicknamed him that) is having a 2002 Boban type performance! (Only his play is legal)

17-16 Purdue going into the under 8 timeout.

I don't think anyone can stop Mullins on Purdue. Pick and roll will work every time. If Turner isn't going to shoot well he can pad his assists...or score. 20-18 us.

Diebler bricks a 3 to kill all momentum as Turner is described as "Long, lean and slippery."

Wow, I've never seen a team miss so many close shots. Maybe once in junior high, but that was against my tough dee.

Running total on Turner's nicknames: "The Eel" and "E.T." When will Will-Boo catch on for Buford?

24-22 Purdue and here's what I've noticed so far. Neither team is shooting all that great. However, both are making open shots. A possession of over 20 seconds leads to a good shot. SO...be patient and you'll score (the same thing I tell to my freshmen college buddies-hi-ooo!).

Diebler proves my point again with another 3. 27-24 Buckeyes at the under 4 minute timeout. (Turner is coming around)

Wow, Diebler should never dribble. Just shoot--another 3. Momentum heading into the half is important, in other breakthrough news, I'm not doing my homework.

PJ Hill demostrates why we aren't going to go very far. His Carlos Davis ways just aren't good. We get a timeout with 30 seconds left. Should Thad put Turner back in? Surely he can't pick up number 3, right? RIGHT? Otherwise we'll be dribbling around throwing passes that almost all get picked off...until one gets picked off and lose that important halftime momentum.

Or...Simmons...yes Simmons gets the ball and gets called for the rare 5 seconds WHILE dribbling. Goodbye momentum into the half. It'll be a moral victory if Mullins doesn't pick up another foul.
Good, they miss 3 and we head into the half at 30-25.

Your thoughts on Michigan being a sure thing? Penn State? This many teams from the Big Ten making the tournament? Did anyone else hear him say that yesterday was the first time a Big Ten team had scored 80 in the Big Ten Tourny since 2004?

2nd half

Here's an idea...when they get a rebound, run back on defense instead of picking up a cheap foul, you jackasses.
Hill...just a bit outside.

And all hell breaks loose. Turner picks up 3, Purdue starts making shots, and the ref is gay for Hummel.
I think I've hit my limit.

Augh. We're now down 7...after being down 4 PJ Hill decided, "Hey, I haven't hit shit all season, I think I'll fire up a 20 foot jumper instead of running the offense."

The ball shanked off the side of the rim at an angle only found in a freshman girls game. Straight to the ground, yet crooked from such an absurd angle off the rim. None of the players fundamentals were still present. He probably wouldn't be playing in any other program this big, but our school can't get a player to stay more than a year or two so instead PJ Hill is in charge.

We're not out of it yet, but will need things like baskets and defense to come back. 48-43.

Turner is done passing for this game. We'll be down by double figures here soon and I'll be scouting out websites to fill out an insane amount of brackets on. Moore finally misses.

And with that cheapass jumpball call, I'd say this one isn't going our way. I'm bailing, I'm quitting, surely they cannot comeback from this 7 point deficit! It's over! I may as well turn it off, good night!
I'll post some thoughts on the the brackets and more importantly our slim chances tomorrow.

This is why I'm negative!

2009-03-14T16:26:00.002-04:00

See, they play well. My negative reinforcement does wonders. There's a chance we can escape an 8/9 seed and drop to a 7. If we beat Illinois (by the way, how many Big Ten tourny's have we won over the years? Lots, right?) we should be up to a 5 safely. Our offense seemed a little better today. Sure Michigan State couldn't hit the blah blah of a blah blah but Thad seems to have "dialed up" the right defense at the right time.

I think I'm more worried about the 1st round than the second. We tend to play to the level of our competition. So the key will be getting by the first round.

And finally, Dick Vitale is called out for saying 84 different teams should make the tournament. If nothing else, I think it could use 4 play-in games to get the 16 seeds.

Stand by for NCAA bracket game on Monday or Tuesday.

Winner gets Michigan State

2009-03-13T16:27:00.003-04:00

It's only fair that I resume as Diebler hits an important 3 to put us back ahead. We were down 7 and somehow discovered an offense. The half court trap is working as some white guy who appears to have a huge hickey turned it over. Neither team has a true go-to player (don't tell Evan Turner).

This just in Dick Vitale has just been inducted to the Hooters Hall of Fame! He thanks them by saying they belong in the restaurant Hall of Fame. No...no they don't.

Game back on...Mullins fouls out with 1 second left on the shotclock, and the Badger fans copy Duke as he heads to the bench...how noble.

Tie game 1:43 and ~~Treg Lee~~ Lauderdale keeps a rebound alive and we keep the ball on the arrow. If Dick Vitale was doing this game he'd go into his thing about how they need to jump it up again...except he avoids doing Big Ten games. I can't say I blame him.

A basket here would do wonders but instead of running a play we'll wait for the shotclock to go under 10, and Turner scores!

Rebound and a phantom timeout is called! Apparently the Wisconsin bench called a timeout without possession. Meanwhile Turner was fouled so hard he'll need to update his facebook status from single to "it's complicated."

Earlier in the game Hill had to have a pen taken from his sock during a free throw. Perhaps that pen helped him make important free throws because he's only 1 of 2 on this one.

32 seconds left, timeout. I'll write this letter...

Dear Thad,
Please take the defense out of the zone, they're giving up too many 3's, especially from the corner. Try man to man.

Sincerely,

Coach Rob Durham

Skinny white dude shoots, and fades back to half court instead of getting rebound...Hill to ice the game from the free throw line. Guh. There's 1! 4 point lead. Misses the other.

Not a bad foul, 1 and 1 which he makes...bad foul. We'll need to get the ball in, and make 2 free throws to clinch it.

1 down! 2nd rolls in...ballgame! 14-3 run. Didn't it feel like the football game against them?

Thanks for sucking

2009-03-13T13:19:00.002-04:00

ESPN just pointed out that our "big" wins pretty much mena nothing now that the dust has settled. Winning at Miami...Diddely. Winning at Notre Dame, Poo. Beating Butler...apparently anyone in the Verizon League can do that too. Still, I think a win today erases an question marks. Just because those other teams chose to suck doesn't mean they weren't good at one point, right?

I'm teaching 6th grade Social Studies today and have the MSU vs. Minn game on right now. Hopefully this room remains empty for the rest of the 2nd half.

Nope.

What do you think?

2009-03-11T13:57:00.003-04:00

We may go 0-2 in the Big Ten and NCAA tournament. Was Lighty ever supposed to come back this year? I haven't seen a game since mid February but I'm aware that we tried to blow it to Northwestern.

Tell me how many games you think we'll win in the Big Ten tournament (we open against Wisconsin).

How about the NCAA? (We open against a team who's playing much better than us right now)

I just remembered how awesome my NIT entry was last year...go visit that too.

19 years ago this month...

2009-02-24T10:36:00.003-05:00

Last night ESPN2 aired the Douglas vs. Tyson fight. I don't think I had ever seen the whole thing in its entirety so I felt as a sports fan, especially from Columbus, that I should watch it. I had seen the knockdowns but I needed to see the rest. Here are my thoughts.

Tyson didn't win a round until the 6th or 7th. He may have lost the decision although it would have been fixed for him to win I imagine. It was neat to hear the announcers admit Douglas was for real early on. They seemed to sense it in the first round.

When Douglas got knocked down he may not have been up by the count of 10. Obviously he recovered fine and took it to Tyson in the very next round, but I can see how Don King thought he had a right to bitch.

Tyson was not okay by the count of 10. He was goooone. Had he continued somehow I can only assume Douglas would have knocked him out later that round. His legs just weren't under him the entire fight.

Mike Tyson's Punchout had a very accurate portrayal of his uppercut. For an 8 bit game the swing is dead on.

The funniest part about the whole thing is the $12,000,000 opportunity Holyfield saw slip away because he was supposed to fight Tyson that June.

I also watched a fight from when Tyson was 19. His voice wasn't all high and whiny, he was respectful to the reporter afterward and was in perfect condition. Nineteen! That's so young!

I don't think boxing will ever be at that level again. MMA is just a lot more fun to watch and follow now. It still has integrity and it'll be hard for money to ruin it. I think it's because it's so much more dangerous. No one can just go through the motions plus there are so many more guys involved. They come from everywhere, not just the ghetto gyms.

We...

2009-02-22T19:39:00.000-05:00

...suck. Can we really blow this?

More hockey action!

2009-02-18T20:33:00.004-05:00

YOUR CBJ's are on my TV tonight against the Blues and though they blew a game against Dallas, they're still in the mix of things and up 4-1 tonight. I'll admit it, I'm checking the standings every day. Hockey is weird, sometimes a 6 seed will make it to the Finals. Vancouver did it in the mid-90's. (I used them on Blades of Steel so I thought I was a fan back then)
Apparently we have a few Buckeyes on the ice. That adds some points.

I can't really blog these games (yet). I can't sit through 2 half times and I don't know any of their names. It would be Nash...Nash, and some other guys, and there's Nash, and then a penalty. Go Nash! Score?! YEAH, SCORE!

The Blues announcers are bitching about one of our guys throwing the puck.

In other news the Buckeyes play Northwestern tonight. If they want to avoid any bubble talk they'll win.

2nd period over 4-1. Surely we can protect that and I can switch over to Top Chef in a little bit.

As of today

2009-02-15T18:21:00.002-05:00

If the NHL season ended today: a. not that many would care... b. YOUR Columbus Blue Jackets (is it supposed to be one word?) would be the 6 seed in the ~~east~~ west. And they're tied for 5th. Hell, they could end up in the 5 spot facing off with #4 Chicago Blackhawks who I'm pretty sure suck in playoff action.

It's time for the CBJ (that's how they're listed on my cellphone scores) to make the postseason. It's been almost a decade and they haven't even come close. The fans have supported them, the tickets our outrageously expensive. I wish I could list things like stats, players, or even how the standings points work but I can't. All I do is check every few days and see if they're still alive. There's still plenty of season left and I think our goalie, what's his name is still hurt, but Nash and that other guy are playing tough. Go Jackets!

A Comment!

2009-02-07T20:00:00.003-05:00

Sorry, I took around a month off after what happened in...well you know. I'll be honest, I don't follow recruiting all that well because I don't live in Ohio anymore. While your AM radio is talking about the upcoming freshman class mine is blabbing on and on about the last place St. Louis Blues (by the way the Blue Jackets are actually close to an 8 seed!)

OK, let's go live to UCONN (my pick to win it all (in Women's too) because I like their U C O N N UCONN UCONN UCONN cheer) where they lead Michigan by 6. There are 2 1/2 minutes left and Michigan just airballed a shot. This one's over.

I checked out the Big Ten standings the other day and saw that Penn State was ahead of us. They haven't played the tougher teams yet so I was going to state that they will lose 5 straight but because of my hiatus I didn't bother...2 days later they beat Michigan State.

So back to us...if we beat the Gophers tonight we're in...or at least on our way in. We've been out of the top 25 for over a month because we can't win more than 2 in a row without sucking against oh say...Illinois or someone like that. Anyway, I think we're in.

Michigan, I don't know. How did we drill them both times? How did they beat Duke? How are they competing against UCONN on the road? AND HOW IS XAVIER DOWN 15 AT HALF AGAINST DUQUENSE?!

This tournament is shaping up to be my Worst Picks Evah!

(please keep the comments coming)

The AP Poll

2009-01-09T17:25:00.002-05:00

So we lost...and moved up a spot from 10th to 9th. Texas won and went from 3rd to 4th. That means even though we lost, we overachieved in the eyes of the media while Texas won and still moved down a spot. Had we won, I wonder if they would have put us top 5 and Texas below us? Also notable, we're ahead of Texas Tech and Georgia. I think the top 25 turned out just about as it should.

And now we hope that Tebow goes pro. If he doesn't he's a coward.

Home field advantage

2009-01-08T09:59:00.002-05:00

For the 2nd year in a row a team will be playing for the BCS Championship in its home state. When do they hold it at the Rose Bowl next? USC will surely make it. Hell, let's just have another one played at the Cowboy's new stadium for the next time anyone from Texas qualifies.

Worst play of all time

2009-01-06T11:40:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to salvage anything to make the pain go away. The blowouts hurt less. I guess all I can say is that the same thing happened to Texas and cost them a chance at the National Title.

Next year? Pryor will be good if he doesn't get arrested over the spring and summer. These seniors can all get the fuck out. Their only bowl win was against Notre Dame and most of them had nothing to do with it.

I should take a break.

Fiesta Bowl live blog that you'll read much later

2009-01-05T20:42:00.009-05:00

After exchanging punts Buckeyes lead 3-0. That's right Big 12, we kick from 50 yards like an NFL team. A few mistakes early on, the first being Pryor running out of bounds instead of getting the first down. The second, recruiting Alex Boone to Ohio State and having him play. The third, frying my own wings and fries the night before I have to work. I expect McCoy to throw at least 45 passes in this one. They won't run on us just yet.

About this punting stuff. I don't like the ruby punt. There has to be some defense we can put in there to make it look as division II as it is.

Beanie Wells with a big carry. Time of possesion is in our favor so far. They'll have a few big plays against us, but if our defense gets to rest they're less likely to get burnt. In other obvious news, Texas likes to drum. Pryor runs for a first down but again runs out of bounds like Emmit Smith when he was a Cardinal.

Field goal try...FAIL. Bad hold and maybe a reminder to Tressel to stop coaching this like an NFL game. 4th and short isnt' that hard to get.

Texas drives it near our red zone as the first quarter comes to an end. 3-0.

A ball is almost tipped and pick sixed, but instead sets up 3rd and 10. We need a few lucky bounces tonight...instead a weak blitz leads to what is certain to be a touchdown. The good news is, McCoy's broad looks a lot better than what's her face who dated brady Quinn 3 years ago.
Whoa, we might hold them to 3! The kick will be from the middle, those are easiest to block.
Hunter Lawrence? Seriously? They named him that?

3-3 midway through 2.

This is encouraging, Beanie and Pryor take turns getting first downs and now Beanie inside the 20! We're starting to see that Big 12 Defense that gave Oklahoma 1000 points this year. Herron isn't going anywhere and the Texas band keeps pounding away...with cowbells?
Pryor takes it down to the 5. I think it's funny how we're Vince Young-ing them.

Was there some meeting with the O-line before the game, "Hey, get a false start or you're queer!" Why not use Pryor running around on 3rd and long? He tends to pick those up. The boos come out and let Tressel know. 6-3 Buckeyes.

Yikes, the half ends in a scare. Not smart football at all and we're AHEAD! I'll finiish these thoughts tomorrow.

I'm back. How are we still in this? Why was that the 2 point converstion play? Thad Matta smiled at the bounce pass. Why does tomorrow have to be the first time I have to teach in almost a month?

A season of upsets, let's hope for one more

2009-01-05T13:13:00.002-05:00

Looking at our standings it's obvious that not many games have turned out how they were supposed to. At 3 games over .500 one of our leaders is at 92.6%. I'm a game under .500 and still in the 58% range.

So does this mean the Big 12 and SEC aren't as good as the Pac-10? Does this mean we have a shot against Texas? This is really all we have to look forward to because the basketball team, lately led by Diebler, isn't going anywhere for that exact reason.

In other news I care about, the Cavs could have gained a game toward home field advantage last night but LeBron got called for traveling on the game winner. As he said, "It was only 2 steps..." Guess what King James, you only get 1 1/2 steps in basketball. You can't put the second foot down and by the replay you took at least 2 1/2 at at away game.

I haven't decided if I'll blog the game tonight. I'm using my new fryer to make wings for the first time. I know, commit Durham!

Shut up Herbstreit

2009-01-01T18:35:00.003-05:00

"Do you get any points for losing all of your bowl games, oh wait, the Big Ten won with Iowa."

Thanks Herby. As we all picked, USC is winning again, the Big Ten is sucking ass, and it's going to be up to us to save any sort of face at all for the conference (gulp).

So what does The Dur always do when things aren't going his way?
~~single out poor shooting percentages~~
I make excuses!

Here's what I propose. Just for one year only...we'll say, 2011. All of the bowl games are moved north to cold environments. The Shoe gets to host the "Apple Bowl." Ann Arbor hosts the Cambell's Soup "Chowder Bowl." BCS Championship will be played at the Beaver Bowl.

It's a different game with weather involved. Did anyone see week 17 of the NFL? The Big Ten recruits its players knowing how they play in these conditions. It's a different game!
In 100 years if this warm weather/cold weather tradition and split continues, we'll have two different systems. "This year's cold weather Champion...Ohio State for the 12th year in a row!"
Finally, we can win with white cornerbacks! We'll provide linemen and linebackers to the NFL, the ~~Confederacy~~ south provides the skill positions.

So it's halftime now. JoPa isn't even going to the locker room. Uhhh, that...should...get...the troops...fired...up.

I'm watching these Penn State fans stunned and silent and hoping I don't see the same from our people on Monday.

(One final question...why would a snowman have a cellphone?)

Things we take for granted

2008-12-31T12:33:00.002-05:00

As I watch all of these bowl games and the teams I picked to win go down faster than a blah blah blah sorority girl something something, I find it frustrating to cheer for these losers. As Ohio State fans, sure our team is far from perfect, but damn there are some things we can at least count on that not everyone gets to.

Examples...

A 39 yard field goal is a chip shot...Not since Stoltz have we held our breathe for simple field goals. Year after year our kickers are almost as reliable as an NFL kicker. I appreciate that.

The ability to stop the run....These teams give up 7 yards a carry but the offenses then insist on passing on 2nd and 3rd and short.

More special teams...Kickoffs that get past the 20. These weak ass kickers keep floating balls to the upbacks.

An intelligent coach...4th and 4 around midfield and Air Force just ran the option. How about Miami's clock management in the last minute of their game? This isn't PS3 (or whatever the kids play now).

A crowd...no one travels better. These empty stands rival those of the WNBA. They must just give away seats at these things.

A respectable mascot who isn't a jackass. 3 words, The Auburn Tiger.

Cornerbacks who aren't white walk-ons...Again, I'm watching you Air Force.

A commercial about our university produced after 1997.

~~Announcers who know what they're talking about~~ Honestly if that Huard guy says, "Dialed Up" one more time...And did anyone else hear him say Historisticity? I could have sworn I heard him use that "word."

All of those things have frustrated me. Northwestern, "The Smart School" couldn't pick up a blitz or intercept any of those terrible Favre-esh passes.

One little note about our game. I think Tressel, being the underdog, might try some trick plays. Maybe just one or two and no, the reverse on the kickoff return doesn't count.

And now a word from our sponser

2008-12-29T15:54:00.002-05:00

Look, I slept with a man in a commercial that will never air on TV. The Dur's acting career is really taking off!

Countdown to the NFL draft

2008-12-28T21:49:00.003-05:00

I will not attempt words, you've already heard them...the Bears wouldn't have gone anywhere in the playoffs anyway...They would face the Eagles who they already beat...then Carolina who they should have beaten but blew a lead to, and then either the Falcons, who they blew a lead to in the last 6 seconds, or the Giants who have the task of trying to repeat...yeah, wouldn't have mattered.

So here's my pick...mark my word...

Panthers over the Ravens 28-20. Other teams to watch, the Colts will get another home game as a #5 seed, and the Falcons will be the losing team in the NFC Championship. I also guarentee the opposite of most of my remaining Bowl pick'em.

Sports Video Games And Their Tricks

2008-12-28T14:30:00.002-05:00

In my constant failing attempts to get some feedback on this blog I'm inviting your contributions.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about the little tricks or bugs in the old video games. Please feel free to add yours and we'll compile a giant list.

Double Dribble: It was possible to hit a 3 pointer at the top corner of the screen by somehow banking in a running 3.

Tecmo Basketball: Miami Heat, John Sunvold's 3 point % was .996. He was pretty automatic.

Tecmo Bowl: Use Bo Jackson to run backward, get the whole defense to miss and then take off.

Giants "curl route" was impossible to stop.

Bears, could block almost every extra point with left tackle.

Tecmo Super Bowl: Any good nosetackle (Jerry Ball worked best), push down and slide to instant sack on most QB's (not Cunningham though!)

Atari Baseball: With multiple baserunners, do a hit and run, and baserunners will disappear and reappear safely on the next base (this always pissed my brother off).

There's a small start...please add your tricks. I know Elway had some weird one in a game I didn't have.

Perhaps this was the problem...

2008-12-27T21:45:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what the average practice length for a college basketball team is. I would think 2 1/2 to 3 hours maybe? I knew a guy that played for Akron in the 90's and he said the 3 hour practices were more than enough. I just think it's too much time with the same people and can result in burning out. Breaks aren't an option so I expect the practice every day, but today's stats totaled 3 team assists. 3. So on the 18 field goals, 15 were created by something other than the regular offense.
So I go to www.clubtrillion.blogspot.com for some insight as to what the problem may have been today. Again, this is OSU's 12th man writing about what it's like being on the team.

He writes...

We practiced on Christmas Eve from 9 p.m. to about 11:30 p.m. We practiced on Christmas from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. There is no joke in this paragraph. I have sat here for an hour trying to think of a way to make the fact that we practiced for about 4 hours on Christmas funny, and I just can't do it. Let's collectively put this behind us and move on to the next paragraph.

I forgets to make baskets!

2008-12-27T18:59:00.002-05:00

Good lord! What the hell was that? Let's go straight to the stats starting with Diebler...and I'm NOT counting his last minute scrub time layup at the end of the game...

Diebler 1-9
Turner 4-17

...and hell, the team was 2-18 on 3's. Hmm, does that stat remind you of a certain important championship game?

Overall 31% from the field today and 10-19, 52% from the line, it's inexcusable. But I'll let the bad game slide. We had the nation's longest winning streak and sometimes I mess up (if you were on earlier you may have noticed how I stuck the wrong blog up here).

Florida State is beating the Badgers (yawn) in a blah blah blah speed, blah blah blah power game. Noteworthy...the SEC officials have screwed up multiple times in this one. Big big screwups, and I'm not even talking about the ignored holding.

So we're pretty much all suck at our picks too. The leaders are 1 game over .500 and I haven't had Internet in 3 days. We'll all get back on track this week.

One last thing I'd like to comment on. Apparently Tressel is going to use Boeckman and Pryor at the same time on certain plays. Now they might not be trick plays, or the main gameplan but why is that little nugget of information FLASHING ACROSS ESPN'S BOTTOM LINE EVER 2 MINUTES! WTF?! KEEP A SECRET! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE THE UNDERDOG BUT KEEP IT A FUCKING SECRET, AT LEAST UNTIL YOU MAKE THE TRIP THERE!!! NOW TEXAS HAS 2 MORE WEEKS TO PREPARE AGAINST THIS ONLY CHANCE OF OUTSMARTING THEM!

Suck it and Shut it

2008-12-24T11:27:00.002-05:00

If Texas > Texas Christian,
and Texas Christian > Boise State,
Texas >>> Boise State
though it seems Texas will be > or even >> Ohio State that still means
Ohio State > Boise State
Boise State = poop.

That's you Big Ten!

2008-12-20T16:17:00.002-05:00

Sparty won at Texas! Minnesota beat Louisville! Purdue has held ~~Curry~~ THE ENTIRE DAVIDSON TEAM SCORELESS! It's 21-0 after 7 minutes. And yes, the announcers have now made 2 football score references. Davidson finally scores and the Purdue fans sarcastically cheer.

What if this Christmas miracle happened--Hear me out...Diebler and Curry somehow crossed paths during a thunderstorm and their shooting abilities switched bodies. I'm just saying Curry is 0-5 right now and Diebler was 11-12 from the free throw line. It's 25-2 after the 2nd TV timeout. Curry misses again, is being shut down by a white guy, and I'm blogging a Purdue game.

Onto other topics. The Bowl Challenge has started and it seems 5 of you women didn't take the time to adjust your confidence points (or did you really know Navy was going to lose?). I think everyone should root for me in the Bowl Challenge. Think about it. 6:00 Sportscenter is pointing out who's at the top of the national challenge scores. "Well it comes down to Florida against Oklahoma, and in your espn.com challenge...It's "GoSooner2009" against...sigh, "Joel Aborts Kittens."

Sorry, Curry is now 1-9 and it's 25-11, Purdue calls a timeout. If they blow this I will take the blame...In fact, I'll call it now. They're going to lose.

At least the Buckeyes won, Michigan seems to be on their way to a win, and Iowa is playing Drake so I can only assume that...nevermind. Stupid Iowa.

I'm switching back over to No Tackle State vs. We have too much shit on our helmets State.

Yet another blog much better than this one...

2008-12-17T10:14:00.002-05:00

Ohio State ~~player~~ team member Mark Titus has produced a blog about "The Other Side of College Basketball" and after one entry I've declared it the funniest thing anyone has ever written. (See he makes fun of himself for not playing, etc.)

http://www.clubtrillion.blogspot.com/

I'll see what I can do later on in the season about contacting him. Read it. Now.

You still have a few more days to join...

2008-12-16T18:58:00.002-05:00

Go to: http://games.espn.go.com/bowlmania/frontpage

Search for the group name: fighters of the night man
Password: boban

Jack-Fu has also included this link (sound NSFW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o5-qmdLCbw&feature=related

...to get things stirred up.

This is the first year I'm picking us to lose. Fool me once...fool me twice...our receivers and lines will suck...

I tried to base my picks on the fact that if I'm wrong, I'll be happy that that team at least won. Example, should Penn State somehow win (they won't), I'll be happy about it so losing all those points won't bother me.

The Maggie Simpson of Basketball Teams

2008-12-13T13:45:00.002-05:00

I'm in a hotel in Ft. Wayne, Indiana and I've discovered the Big Ten Network for the last 7 minutes of the game against Butler. Apparently we blew a 13 point lead and let Butler cut it to 5. Neither team has lost this season so even at home this is a tough win to get. I'm sick of watching freshman mistakes for the 3rd straight year.

Observations:

Lauderdale just banked in a free throw and then blocked a shot at the other end. His free throws look like Charles Barkley's golf swing.

Turning point, with a 7 point lead we miss the front end of a 1 and 1, give up and offensive rebound on the other end which they convert to a 3 pointer. We're only up 2 now. I haven't seen a game swing like that since the Bears vs. Vikings 99 yard pass.

OK who is this Hayward guy can go ahead and miss at any point. He's 7-8 on 3 pointers which Diebler is rumored to have done once in practice. Again, we blew a 13 point second half lead at home. I'll blame free throw shooting, Hayward having the game of his life, and oh we'll say...Diebler. I want to like him, but seeing as how he's not a freshman, I'll need more from him.

Turner puts us back ahead and will shoot for a 3 point play...and miss again. 15-24 on FT's today...and Hayward finally misses! It's going to come down to free throws, ugh. Lighty misses to put us at 60%. Misses both we're now <60%. Butler refuses to shoot anything but 3's.

Lauderdale to shoot 2...and makes one!...but not both. 3 point lead with a minute. Hayward misses again, we're a basket from putting this one away. Turner misses and we have to prevent them from making a 3 pointer. Do you foul? Do you faceguard Hayward? Do you get Lauderdale the hell out of there?

HE MISSES! BUCKEYES WIN!!! That should bump us up a few more spots before the Big Ten season kicks off.

Time to Prepare

2008-12-07T20:20:00.002-05:00

Here's a fun drinking game. Anytime you hear the media say, "Texas will be playing with a chip on their shoulder," drop what you're doing and take a shot. 6:00 a.m. Sportscenter has Mark May blabbing...shot time! Late night Fox Sports playing while you're drifting into sleep, oops, they said it...shot time again.

I'll post more arguments in a blog titled something like "Shut up," or "We know but..." until then, we're going to feel like Notre Dame, the Yankees, etc.

So here's who we root for. Penn State, Oklahoma, Virginia Tech (I'll explain that too if I must) and Utah. Also, anyone other than Teabow to win Heisman.

Other things I enjoyed today...The fact that no one gave USC enough credit though I'll admit they probably deserved more talk. Stoopes answer where he mentioned Texas Tech got screwed too. Brett Favre's Jets starting to show their true colors. The Bears win and some guy named Walter on Houston who saved my fantasy team.

I will also call on Jack-Fu to setup this year's bowl challenge. Let's see if Reader Wise still puts the most confidence points in Ohio State this year.

Not the biggest win in the Big 10 today

2008-12-06T17:57:00.002-05:00

Somehow Michigan has defeated Duke 81-73. It's a point for the Big Ten at least. Anywho, the Buckeyes have defeated Notre Dame on the road.

Turner had 28 and was responsible for the win by himself. As I've been known to do, I will list shooting stats by the others.

Diebler...1-7
Simmons...1-8
Lighty...2-10.

A combined 4-25 which is an 8th grade girl-esque 16%.

I don't have ESPN-U so I didn't get to see the game, but I eagerly await the highlights which are sure to be about 10 seconds long after today's football action.
After 2 big road wins against ranked teams we had better be listed in the top 15-20 teams.

Guh

2008-12-02T19:19:00.003-05:00

As the Buckeyes tipoff at Miami I had to get ready for a show and head to the shower. It was 2-2. I shaved and took my shower (rinsing and repeating), dried off and went back to the TV. We still had 2, they had 11. Diebler is already 0-2.

Good job team! Way to pull out a big win!

This happened?

2008-11-30T22:15:00.003-05:00

I was going to blog the Bears game but I can't get past the fact that they couldn't score from the 2 yard line 4 straight times and then gave up a 99 1/2 yard touchdown to an ex-player. Ughh.

Anyway, apparently Samford came to town for a game of basketball and left with a Big 12 Football score...59-22. (Davis drops yet another pass...followed by Hestor's drop)

Anyway, some interesting stats about this one. Their leading scorer had 8. 1 guy show free throws and was 2-3. They scored 6 in the first half. Take away their leading scorer at 4-11 and the rest of the team was a Sideshow Matt-like 5 for 37. (see every JV girls basketball game, actually don't)

Dammit, watching the Bears pisses me off so bad. Just once (it's been decades) I'd like to see one offensive skill player make a Pro Bowl. I think Neil Anderson was mentioned as the last running back to do so. There sure as hell haven't been any quarterbacks or wide receivers.

Thank you to the one commenter on a previous entry. Someone's reading!

The Bowl challenge is just around the corner.

(Sweet, a Bears interception...and touchdown!)

What is wrong with the Big 12

2008-11-30T10:18:00.003-05:00

Keeping with the theme of this blog I'm going to point something out about the Big 12 that everyone seems to think is so great this year. Do any of them play any defense? Sure Oklahoma is the "hottest" team right now but they still gave up 41 points! Forty-one!!! That's not okay. Everyone says they're all so talented on offense but I can't name one defensive player that's worth a shit in that conference. (You might be able to, but I can't) These basketball scores are not okay. Ask the NFL. That's goes for you too Boise State. Ohio State gave up 35 to USC but that game had so many things wrong with it (one touchdown from a pick 6, the other from an all out pick).
Some other stats, Oklahoma gave up 35, 45, 28 twice, and 26 once. Texas gave up over 30 points 3 times this year as well.

As far as the BCS, I'm pretty sure Florida will beat Alabama and whoever the Big 12 picks. Florida actually has better defensive numbers. Should Alabama win both, they would join the '02 Buckeyes as the only other 14-0 team and we don't want that to happen do we?

(in other news, check out www.deadspin.com Hugh Johnson Project part 3, I got another quote in!

I don't even want to hear it

2008-11-28T19:31:00.004-05:00

I'm watching the Fresno State @ Boise State (with shades on because of the blue turf) and as they lead 13-10 the announcers have mentioned that should it come down to a decision between picking Boise State or The Ohio State University "brand name" as they said, OSU will get the game. As. We. Should. College football has made it clear that the bowl system is about money, well would they like the game to sell out? Yeah, 2006 was great when they ran all those trick plays and beat OU and then some dude proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend (who I heard was 2 weeks pregnant)but it's a different team now. They're more of a Hawaii against Georgia BCS buster. So before Boise even starts bitching how about covering the spread against Fresno State (I think it's more than 3). How about beating Nevada by more than 7...you gave up 34 points to them. How about beating a ranked team...or at least scheduling one.

(ed note) It's now 41-10 Boise State and they've talked more about the debate. They looked at our schedule and said we don't have any quality wins. I'd like to see Boise State blow out Northwestern @ Northwestern...or blow out Michigan State away. Or stay within 1 flaw of beating Penn State. They're big win was at Oregon...who Purdue by 6 and gave up 45 to Arizona.

Happy Thanksgiving...and now news about me

2008-11-27T13:43:00.003-05:00

Hey non-commenting readers. Visit www.rooftopcomedy.com today because I'm the featured comic for Thanksgiving. I think a lot of us have been in this situation...

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/FoolsRushIn

Bears @ Rams (November 23)

2008-11-26T21:27:00.006-05:00

I attended the Bears game in the Edward Jones Dome on Sunday. I had never tailgated before an NFL game before. The atmosphere is less "hot" and everyone has nicer stuff. This had to be one of the most highly attended by the away team games in NFL history. Honestly, the stadium was 75% Bears fan and by halftime that number grew to around 90%. The Rams suck, sucked, and were down 7-0 before we even got to our seats.

As I've mentioned before, watching a game in a dome feels dirty when the weather is even slightly uncomfortable outside. However, these ladies never have to wear those bullshit windbreaker outfits. I'm trying to recall important events of the game but we sold 2 extra tickets for $150 and got blitzed pretty bad. Uhh, here are more pictures...

My fiancee thought this guy looked like Kyle Ortan. He told us he was actually in a neckbeard contest being held by a Chicago radio station. The winner got 2 tickets for a game.

Final score, Bears win 27-3.

First, The Game that wasn't

2008-11-24T10:04:00.002-05:00

It was kind of like watching a Batman movie when the Joker isn't involved. The law of averages says these things even out in the end but could our program ever get that bad? How did Michigan get to this point? Lloyd Carr leaving is the obvious turning point, but wasn't he told to retire? Was the beginning of the end the loss to Appalachian State? I have to think it was before that. They had a somewhat stacked roster as far as skilled positions with Manningham, Hart, etc. Are they becoming too academic like Notre Dame?
I think we can expect them to build back up but it'll take at least 2 more years for them to run the spread with experienced players. I almost wish Saturday's game could have been played at Michigan this year because we didn't need the home field advantage. (That would have been the one I would have made the trip to as well)

I didn't even drink that day. I stayed at home and couldn't get into it all that much. I like the fact that they suck but part of hatred is knowing you're ruining someone else's season. What are your thoughts?

(Bears/Rams game post coming this week)

Football Christmas

2008-11-22T10:02:00.002-05:00

I'll admit I'm not as pumped up this year. I can only hope the players don't feel the same. Part of it may be that I'm not in Ohio and will head to a bar for the game. There are usually a few other Buckeyes there but who knows. I've got my Fuck Michigan t-shirt on that I only wear once a year. I used to use this holiday as a once a year escape as an excuse to be as obnoxious as I want for an entire day. I realize I might break that rule throughout the year.

To make up for today's lack of interesting storylines, I'll be posting about tomorrow's Bears vs. Rams game (I'm going and taking my camera).

"It's important you don't stink today!" --Tom Hanks in That Thing You Do

Weekend of the Safety!

2008-11-16T19:30:00.003-05:00

There was one against Illinois, The Badgers had 2 (in a row) and then today in the NFL the Steelers and maybe one other team (like how much research I did?) also had one. What causes this? Better punting? Bad weather? Coincidence? Nope, none of those. Men Without Hats is the answer!

Hugh Johnson Project II

2008-11-15T15:12:00.002-05:00

http://deadspin.com/5088676/hugh-2-i-declare-a-prank-war

still no hits...sigh.

Battle for the Illibuck Trophy

2008-11-15T12:10:00.019-05:00

After last year's screw job at the Shoe (one of the ref's was charged with a felony I heard), we're back in Illinois and the best news of the day...Pam Ward is not covering the game. After an exchange of punts Juice has fumbled and we'll start on the 18. Let's see if we've progressed enough to actually score a touchdown.

8:48 left in the 1st, Pryor scores and we're all thankful he doesn't have an annoying nickname...or any nickname at all. I'll keep a total on how many times today's announcers say either, "The Juice is loose," or "The Juice is not loose." Pam Ward's record is around 3 dozen.

5:30 and it's tied at 7. Illinois ran some hurry up run offense and our boys decided not to tackle. The play is under review but it looks like a touchdown. In other news Northwestern is up 7-0 on Michigan.

4:00 "Illinois wants to make it a physical game," they say. Really? Football, physical? You think? Has there been a team other than the '92 Oilers who refused to make it a physical game? We'll punt it to the 8 and see if our defense can actually tackle.

1:15 Abdallah knocks the pass down and on 4th we BLOCK THE PUNT into the endzone for a safety. 9-7 and Illinois must kickoff (punt) into the wind and we'll start the drive at the Illinois 44. Hartline makes 2 plays to get us inside the 10. He's tackled while going out of bounds in what would surely have been called a penalty last week. The first quarter ends 9-7.

2nd quarter
Beanie Wells around the left on a close to out of bounds (Pryor would have scored on 3rd down anyway) and it's 16-7. Illinois decides to blare Joan Jett to get their female 40+ fans back into it. Good kickoff that they can't handle and field position still favors OSU.

INDIANA HAS TIED PENN STATE AT 7-7!

9:47 in the 2nd Illinois is driving after a 3rd and 18 completion. Sigh, we take a timeout and I'm hungry for this mysterious "Sub-mart" place.

Juice ignores the blitz that the announcer had time to point out and throws an INT which had a chance to be returned until he fumbled. OSU ball and we're driving with Beanie Wells...he heard they wanted a physical football game. Pryor follows with a long, long run. His stiff arm seems like an effective bitch slap.

6:30--Sanzenbacher for a touchdown! 23-7. Pryor throws the touchdown, gets up, and talks shit to the Illinois lineman. Pryor puts "The U" in The Ohio State University (see back in the day when Miami was a cocky, winning program they were The U)...and I'm done dumbing it down for people.

Under 6 minutes and Illinois decides that Juice Williams will throw less interceptions if he lines up as a wide receiver. On the next play he runs for a big game using the star fish strategy with his hand warmer.

Into the redzone Illinois will go for the field goal...28 yards to make it 23-10 with 2:40 left. I imagine Tress will decide whether to drive based on field position...Not much of a drive is mounted and Illinois has 41 seconds to do anything. On their first play Williams scrambles and at least THREE holds are ignored. It was to the point to where our linemen were looking at the ref while being held. And now we risk giving up 3 more. Shit. 44 yard field goal is good 23-13 at the half. The ignored holding call costs us...maybe we didn't plan on playing a "physical" game.

3rd quarter, Beanie elects to not be physical and instead jump over a would-be tackler. It'll be a play of the week, but had he scored it would have made a top 50 Best Damn Sports Show all time list. Is it me, or are their guys lining up in the neutral zone? Penn State is finally pulling away from Indian'er. 3rd and 13 at mid-field...Pryor runs 20 yards and Tressell finally shows us that running plays are meant for 3rd and long.
Beanie fumbles a few plays later and shades of last year start to creep in.

Under 7 minutes to go in the 3rd and we finally get a sack. Before that play our pass rush reminded me of that of a movie scene. You know that classic football scene where it's slow motion and the camera is showing the quarterback dance back and forth deciding on a receiver...meanwhile numerous pass rushers go flying by out of control. That's our pass rush.

Illinois does a quick kick and we get the ball at the 1 yard line, wind against us, refs against us, momentum against us, Al Qaeda against us, 99 and a half yards to go. I'm still slightly hungover from wine last night, time for greasy cheesesticks.

1:45 As if motivated by my analogy our rush gets to Juice and we hold off their good field position.

At the end of the 3rd we're driving and Beanie's hamstring is hurt after a long run. He'll be fine, we'll be fine.

11:55 Touchdown Herron! That drive was sustained by a late hit penalty that their fans are still booing about 8 minutes later. Cue Joan Jett, why would they need their marching band anyway? Is there a connection they have to that song? 30-13 and we're treated to bonus LeBron highlites.
(The TGIFriday's cheesesticks may have the best sauce known to man)

Illinois is looking sloppy and will ease its way back to mediocrity. Michigan is losing at home to Northwestern by 7, 8 minutes left in that one.

A play breaks out with about 9 things wrong with it. Herron was down when he fumbled it. Pryor got called for a facemask for tackling a guy by the shoulder. Good try ref, you were only about 6 inches off. There was a forward pass penalty by Illinois. I don't know why they declined the facemask unless there's some rule stating it wouldn't have happened if they hadn't thrown the forward pass. Can someone explain? Anyone?
Ahh, 'tis not a fumble. 3rd down.

Under 5:00 and the beloved Juice Williams has been benched.

Blah blah blah, touchdown Illinois with 42 seconds left. Onside kick recovered, ballgame. 30-20

Ummm

2008-11-14T10:52:00.002-05:00

We're getting close to 40 hits a day yet no one ever comments. This leads me to believe that everyone is googling "Simpsons Episodes or best video games of all time" as those were the 2 best entries. Am I right here or are people actually caring? Please leave a comment and let me know.

Now about sports...I watch the 4th quarter of the Cavs game last night and without going into detailed specifics that would make this entry worth reading, I'd just like to say I think they can win the east this year. LeBron is starting to peak and may get that Jordan-esque feel come playoff time. With their higher seeding (perhaps a #2 but no worse than a #3) a deep playoff run could be very possible. The Celtics are too old to repeat and besides, that's hard to do. My early season prediction for the West...the Hornets. Cavs vs. Hornets in finals!

So we ran it up

2008-11-09T18:20:00.002-05:00

Andre Ware was all, "I was on a shitty NFL team, I sympathize with losers, I can't believe they're running it up!" yesterday. Who cares. This is long overdue. If there's one thing Cooper had over Tressel is was the run it up mentality. (Rice 72-0) Tressell did his best "Oh, I feel bad that we scored instead of kneeling it" reaction but if he really cared he wouldn't have faked the punt. (So why did he fake the punt?) Answer: To make Michigan think about it. The punt is the most important part of Tressell ball and perhaps too many teams were cheating on coverage and setting up good returns. You have to keep them honest these days, and what better time to do it, the game was decided already. As far as the final offensive drive let me explain. Those 2nd and 3rd stringers are talented and deserve to contribute. They went from dominating their high school leagues to Big Ten football and still have to practice every day. When you don't get to play in the games you stop practicing hard, therefore it was a good move to make them feel important. I know most of them weren't scrubs but still, they deserve to play. Plus the Northwestern coach is 33 and a douchebag. He all heard that sound clip about how Tressell didn't get any chicken broth before the game. He had it coming.

No way!

2008-11-08T19:15:00.002-05:00

I just watched LSU block a game winning field goal shortly after Penn State lost...at Iowa? What if all these teams each lose 3 games? Then do we somehow sneak into the title game in a manner that makes last year seem like we deserved it? (I kid). Anyway, I could see Sparty going into Happy Valley and winning. They have to feel deflated after losing to a team who lost to (insert whatever crappy team Iowa lost to in September).

Halloween Hangover

2008-11-08T11:53:00.014-05:00

They just said that Tressell is 1-4 coming off of bye weeks. Northwestern has beaten us once in thirty-some years. Guess who was at that game...sitting front row, 50 yard line, in the middle of the Northwestern section (though 75% of the place was OSU fans)...Me. We lost in overtime as I was taunted as I left my seat waiving my fingers in the air, though I did care. But those days are over. Zwick was our QB, and it was a rebuilding year. OK, stop staring at that girl's spine and prepare for my childish thoughts on the game. By the way, does Penn State ever play Michigan State this year? Ahh, they do on November 22. Should Iowa somehow upset Penn State today we still have a chance at another Big Ten Championship. Corso puts on the Elephant head yet again and is beating Herbie with the trunk. 'Bama is his pick. Now onto our game vs. Northwestern (please let Pam Ward be at another game...YES!)

Prekickoff, the Northwestern fans are shaking their keys. Wow, that must be...loudish. I hope our men aren't scared. Kickoff is delayed as Lucy yanks ball off of the tee. It looks like we'll have the crowd on our side as Northwestern continues to place academics as a priority for college admission. Losers. A decent kickoff return and a facemask on the first play from scrimmage starts us in good field position.

Robiske picks up a first down followed by Wells pulling his Eric Metcalf impression and losing close to 10 yards on a run. After 5 or 6 runs he's still negative yardage, 3rd and 16.

Hartline makes a catch inside the 5 and is tackled by the wind on the 2. Touchdown Beanie, with 10:48 left in the 1st quarter. (I can't get my paragraphs spaced so I may need to insert more pictures to add aesthetics.

What I wouldn't do for some Catfish Biff's Pizza right now. if you're in the campus area, I believe the number is still 614-421-7421. Back to us trying to play defense. Northwestern's first drive is being sparked by Kafka. We haven't had this much trouble against a white QB since that guy from Washington a few years ago. I don't imagine he'll be able to take hits like this all day. They're into the redzone though keeping the game more interesting than this blog.

Here's a guess, they're going to shotgun the snap to Kafka and he'll run it...again...and into the endzone. Another flag on the play most likely on us,ahh, both of them. Good to see Northwestern sticks to their high school stadium theme and refuses to get nets behind the goalpost. 7-7 midway through the first quarter.

Possession #2...Apparently there's a battle between coaches as to who can win using the least amount of their playbook as possible. 3 and out as our offensive line continues to blow.

Northwestern ball, moral victory as we've gone 3 plays without a penalty, they'll punt it back. The announcers have resorted to the "BCS system bad, why don't we have a playoff?" talk already.

Pryor seems to be cold. Ray Small is suspended. The 1st quarter is over, somewhere in the stadium sit my brother-in-law, 2 of my nephews, and my niece wondering why TBDBITL never makes the trip. In other news, Michigan leads 6-0.

2nd quarter: Wells with an OJ Simpson like run! He's stopped at the line, stabs a white girl, and takes off for the endzone. Tressell has found a way to have our shitty offensive line draw the defense in clearing a way for Beanie to make his way into the endzone.

Momentum has shifted and OSU recovers a fumble deep in smart whiteboy territory! You would think with Wells and Pryor we could somehow do some sort of throwback trickeration. How about a flea-flicker into a running play. No? You're right, it's 3rd and 10 and we're doing draw plays. 17-7 with 10:04 left in the half.

8:23 left in the first half, we finally stop Kafka's shotgun running play! Here's a thought, the Big East gets an automatic BCS bid, right? West Virginia leads the Big East and is ranked just 23rd. Can we get them in the Orange Bowl? I've also just noticed this...in the Planter's commercial with the ugly redhead who rubs a peanut on herself to become attractive...count how many times her giant facial mole moves from one side of her face to the other.

Another solid drives sustained by 3rd and longs, but Alex Boone does his best to cockblock a drive that would put the game away by halftime with a headbutt. Pryor again though! 3rd and 16 plus a late hit, we're back to their side of the field with under 3 minutes left in the half.

....to Robsike...touchdown! Pryor will be everything next year. 24-7 going into the half...I hope...I'm putting the laptop down to make pasta salad.

Something something, field goal by Northwestern. Another late hit out of bounds made by a player in bounds. You know what I'd like to see just once? Pryor return a kickoff. 24-10 with 11 minutes left in the 3rd.

Kafka has 23 rushes in the middle of the 3rd quarter. Maybe when your coach is only 33 you don't have the luxury of a muti-page playbook (you all know what reference is coming). I don't blame him, he grew up in the Tecmo Bowl age. Yet another thing I would have liked to seen...a team on there who has 3 running plays and just one passing play. Jenkins just drilled Kafka on his 24th rushing attempt. Maybe we're catching on as Northwestern is forced to punt...cut to chili and eggs recipe. Andre Ware (on Tecmo Super Bowl Detroit roster) makes a fart joke. Grind the clock out.

The ghost of Troy Smith takes over on a pass to Hartline who is again tackled by nature. And wow...I cannot type the words to describe that last touchdown, maybe...FranVinceYoungElwayarkington-esque. Can we just fast forward to next year?

Late in the 4th, fake punt? Was that an audible? Did Tressell actually call that? And then a long bomb! 38-10 and 2004 has been avenged. Surely nothing else could be blog worthy...I'll be signing off from here as my fiancee finds it ridiculous that I'm blogging a game anyone can watch on ESPN2. She may have a point.

Seriously?

2008-11-02T14:48:00.002-05:00

Texas Christian has been ranked ahead of OSU for 2 weeks in a row. I know it doesn't matter between who is #12 in the country but it still pisses me off. Like the mighty Horned Frog Toad-the-wet-sprocket-whatever the hell they are could beat us? We'll even play there at their double open ended-look-there-are-little-kids-playing-pickup-games-behind-the-goalpost stadium.

What to do on the bye week

2008-10-31T13:07:00.002-04:00

1. Watch a conference with offense
2. Scan facebook for slutty Halloween costume pictures
3. Update fantasy football roster
4. When did NHL start?
5. Scan myspace for slutty Halloween costume pictures
6. Comment with your own suggestions

When did you get a defense?

2008-10-26T19:25:00.003-04:00

I don't know when Penn State got a defense, but damn. Again, our lack of WR's killed us. Too many men focusing on Beanie. Pryor, ugh, kind of a shame, hope he gets over that. Let's look ahead to some positive things (rare for me).
1. We should own Michigan again this year.
2. Outback Bowl? Revenge against Florida?
3. We don't have to play USC again (though I still think we could have won)
4. Next year we'll be good again...right? Don't we always have guys popping out of nowhere (nowhere because I don't read enough OSU message boards), ONE of them has to be a wide receiver with speed and a fresh new line on both side of the ball.
5. Basketball is coming soon!

The game came on

2008-10-11T17:31:00.002-04:00

Thank you ESPN. We've won a few more but we still suck by our standards. Here's who is to blame: Hartline and Robiske lead the way. We usually have a wide receiver step it up and come out of nowhere to become a star. Anthony Gonzalez, Chris Vance, and others have come out of nowhere to become awesome and reliable (those exact words in their scouting reports). This year we have returning starters and they've done NOTHING. Hartline's white so it's like watching Dustin Fox only on offense. "Hey this guy's been around forever, we know his name, he should be goo--oops, he just fucked up." Robiske, who just go overthrown because he's as slow as a white guy, sure as hell isn't Tedd Ginn Jr.

Watching Pryor at quarterback kind of has the feel of Oden when he was still learning, doesn't it? Mistakes that are easy to see on TV along with amazing bursts of natural talent.

At times our team plays like it's game 1 of the season and they aren't used to playing together EVEN THOUGH THEY ALL PLAYED TOGETHER LAST YEAR.

I guess it could be worse. Michigan. Wow. How did they beat Wisconsin? I'm worried because they have nothing left to do in their season but beat us.

As things stand we're up 10 with 5:50 in the 3rd and Purdue will start from the 4. If our defense wants my kudos they'll force and 3 and out setting up another ~~touchdown~~ field goal.

Today's game

2008-10-11T15:47:00.002-04:00

I would like to blog today's Purdue game. It's on either ABC or ESPN...OR FUCKING BOTH! I HAVE TO WATCH FUCKING NOTRE DAME ON BOTH FUCKING STATIONS AND I DON'T GET TO SEE OHIO STATE! FUCK YOU CHARTER CABLE OF BELLEVILLE, ILLINOIS!

I'm just saying

2008-09-25T22:33:00.002-04:00

I was going to post a big blog listing the our worst loses in the recent era. Blah blah blah 35-3 two weeks ago, Air Force in that bowl game, Northwestern in '04 (because it was our first loss to them in 30 years and I was in their section), Florida, LSU...but instead of that I'm sitting here at halftime of the USC ~~OSU~~ Oregon State game saying to myself, "Wow, it's amazing what they're doing with their starting running back." I'm just saying...

(I also was just saying two years ago when I pointed out how much not having Ted Ginn Jr. hurt us)

I'm not sure what to look forward to this fall. We're not undefeated, the Bears are losing games in a row, the Yankees don't even interest me in their bi-annual 4 game series loss to the Angels in the first round. I've hopped on the Cubs bandwagon but that doesn't sounds reliable either.

Things in my mind are changing. I used to be able to stand up for the Big Ten and the Republican Party, but what do I have to stand on anymore? The Big Ten doesn't win, and I'm driving an $800 car.

I also wanted to point out that I think The Office just showed its first signs of jumping the shark by having Ryan come back tonight as a temp again. That was ridiculous for so many reasons.

Gameday

2008-09-06T11:37:00.002-04:00

So are we going to get a weekly Teabow segment? Last week it was his missionary trips and preaching, this week his weight room efforts, next week his sexual escapades...

More Homophobia And Sexism To Get My Point Across

2008-09-03T15:43:00.003-04:00

I realize that having a strong conference helps a team get into a better bowl game at the end of the year. Sure, when Northwestern wins we all win, and I even mentioned that in the last post but this rooting for your conference shit has gotten out of hand. The SEC is gay for each other! They're emailing ESPN from Arkansas (surprised me too) about how Georgia shouldn't have lost it's top spot to USC to which I say, "Oh no! The bowl season is almost here, it's urgent to complain about this right now!"

Maybe it's because the Big Ten is like the kinda-fat girl at the dance. She's got great cleavage, but it's all made of mushy fat and on a day to day basis it's not there. Meanwhile the SEC is a firm assed chick while the Pac 10 is more of a pretty face. Well guess what, the reason the Big Ten gets the chance to be crowned is because SHE PUTS OUT! People talk about her and vote for her because at some point in her life she did something for them.

If we should beat USC and still not be ranked #1 I don't see the fine folks of, say, East Lancing writing in and bitching about it. Stop being so gay for your conference and remember how much you hate those people when they're against you that one Saturday per year.

Only gay teams punt in week 1

2008-08-30T17:05:00.003-04:00

Nothing to complain about today. Those red zone stalls don't even bother me, we had freshmen in early and Tressel's playbook was smaller than the original Tecmo Bowl's (or my list of references). Beanie is fine, he just wanted an excuse to fumble. The Penguins only completed 3 passes all day and maybe had 3 first downs.
I think we're all having the same emotions about Pryor. He makes us feel like a fat white girl who wants to get back at her father...in other words, we loooove him.

Onto Michigan who seems to have mastered the spread ~~offense~~ defense. It seems that their offense is going to have no running game. It seems I say seems too much. The downside to the spread is that it can result in a lot of negative yardage. Coach Rodriguez, in an attempt to defy all traditions no matter how small, declined a halftime interview. Here's what it may have sounded like:

Reporter: After one half as head coach of Michigan you have 4 rushing yards, what kind of first impression do you think you're making today with the Michigan faithful?

Coach: Uhh, Spread! Fast! Spread offense! Fuck tradition!

Reporter: Oookay, I noticed your team is punting today, which I read was gay. I also wanted to ask about how you made it even gayer with that sideways punting formation...why so gay on special teams?

Coach: Great to be here!

As for the rest of the Big Ten, good job, especially you Northwestern and Indiana. JoPa challenged his team to score his age, and everyone except Michigan seems to be off to a good sta--oh, Michigan State still has to play? I have faith in Illinois, I trust they won't hand Mizzou the game 2 years in a row.

To sum up though, I think we looked strong, and Michigan's quarterback looks as high school as Youngstown State's punter (1.9 seconds of hang time?).

Your thoughts...

Way to go Fatneck

2008-08-13T10:37:00.004-04:00

So last night the gymnast who looked unsure of herself all week just walking around, continued to look scared and screwed everything up. Everyone's accusing China of using girls who weren't old enough and well yeah, they were probably 13 or 14 as Bella Karolyi said (did you see Bob cringing that whole time as Bella said it so matter-of-factly?), but so what. That just means you lost to younger girls! That wouldn't happen in any other sport, "No fair, those soccer players are only 12, they don't resent the world for making them train so many years yet!" Seriously though, I understand that being tiny could be an advantage and China definitely had it.

I'm looking forward to track and field. China can't have that many medals in that, can they? One thing we're lacking this year is a flashy track athlete (Remember Dan vs. Dave?). We've always had someone, but I believe some runners from the islands sprint faster. They sure as hell won't be Chinese though.

Oh and here's an update from a real sports blog about their ages...

Douchebaggery

2008-08-12T17:06:00.003-04:00

Did anyone see the men's gymnastics last night? Me neither, but if I had I bet I would have made this observation...
That extra alternate in the stands crying at the end was not crying because he was proud of his teammates, he was crying because he wasn't down there. That's gotta be hard.
I just got word it's okay to admit I watched it as "Raj" is a Buckeye. As proud as I am to see a Buckeye winning a bronze, he really should have not talked to the camera afterward when they were all celebrating. He kept yelling out things like, "Third place!" and "Never give up!" and "Never give up!" "Never give up!" "Hey, Never give up!" He said it that many times. The rest of them sounded like a Disney film, too. I have all of the respect for what the gymnasts do, I think it's gotta be the toughest sport on Earth. Most of the population can't do any of those things. I can hit a free throw, or even fall down a river in a kayak, but I sure as hell couldn't jump off that vault thing. Howevah, when you're 4'11" and wearing tights and celebrating 3rd, you sound quee-ah.
As far as swimming, I just hope Michigan doesn't take it too hard when Phelps gets busted for HGH. I kid, I kid.

USA vs. China!

2008-08-10T10:24:00.011-04:00

The opening ceremonies were pretty neat, next to Script Ohio they were probably the most spectacular thing a stadium has ever seen. In day 2 of the Olympics we pick up action in the first quarter with USA ahead 14-11.

Things I've noticed so far:
-The floor is slippery as shit for some reason. 3 of our guys have slipped on defense.
-Kobe still thinks he's the only one that can score and refuses to acknowledge the closer 3 point line as if to say, "I don't need to scoot up!"
-We're not going to get many calls in this game.

18-16 with a minute left in the first quarter.
One of their players just shot one into the 2nd row and somehow they retain possession. Next possession Chen JH drives and shoots one over the backboard...over the backboard.
2.9 seconds left in the opening quarter...and our only shot is a half court throw. 20-16 as we head into commercial. This is interesting, instead of playing the Olympic theme song NBC chooses their NBA theme. By the way, does anyone else get a semi the first time they hear NFL theme music in August?

2nd quarter:
China is 5-7 on 3's. LeBron is 7-7 in making Yao Ming his bitch . Dwight Howard is playing well along with LeBron and Wade...Kidd, Bosh, and Kobe aren't with it today. It should be noted I have no patience with Kobe.
LeBron has now pinned 2 layups on the glass. The Chinese are starting to tire but still hitting 3's. Entire to the game from THE Ohio State University, Michael Redd.
The Chinese fans get vocal during free throws...the seem to moan and hum and shots perhaps trying to scare the shooter?

29-26 6:30 left...
Redd misses. China ties it with another 3. 7-11. Kobe throws his first pass. 2 possessions later he scores on a dunk. 35-29 after a few steals and fast breaks. Time out, Coach K pretends to have to coach while LeBron waters up.

(During timeout, the crowd stays pumped with Classical music? How much Mozart is on Chinese Jock Jams? In typical NBA fashion 3 point shooters are left wide open. Kobe bricks another 3.
LeBron scores and 1...with an intentional foul. Kobe misses again. 4 All Stars are standing around while he shoots fade aways in the lane.
WOW--play of the Olympics so far! LeBron on an oop and 1! Bush wants to stand up and cheer but Secret Service nods no. The ghost noises continue to haunt our free throw shooting. Ahh Coach K has done it. A half court trap helps put on a 16-3 run. We've been toying with them in this half court game.

I think the team has a game going on within the game. Whoever doesn't score over Yao Ming has to buy drinks that night. Boozer enters the game for the final defensive possession.
No that's not a KD Lang concert, the women's team is court side to cheer on the team.
A play is drawn up for Kobe to travel. Half ends...49-37 even after China's spectacular 3 point shooting.

2nd half begins...
The crowd seems out of it at start. ~~Perhaps tired from putting all that pee pee in their coke.~~
A Chinese dunk not by Yao, Kobe turns it over again. He's going to clinch the Terwilliger Award very soon. 53-39.
Kobe misses another 3, can I please get some stats?
China's shooting magic is over. Another way to have to buy drinks for team, getting swatted by a sub seven foot asain.
Ahh, some stats! Kobe is 5-12 including 1-6 on 3's with 3 turnovers. The half court trap is back. LeBron seems to be mouthing at the refs who could probably care if they could understand Akron-English.

I'm just going to add "Kobe misses a 3" to my clipboard and then just "control v" every time he shoots. The team is 1-14 on 3's so he's not alone. LeBron hits one though. Bosh is finally rebounding.

This one's not going to be close...and this blog isn't funny, entertaining, being read, informative, etc. See you in a few weeks!

Timely Obligated Updates

2008-07-14T18:05:00.003-04:00

I last left off about some horse dying I think. Good news, we're ranked #1 in a few polls again. Actually I didn't even check that, I just think that we should be so I'm going to declare it true.

I'm attempting to setup a podcast soon (4-6 weeks or whenever some nerd finally helps me figure out what RSS stands for). It'll probably have a lot of sports talk in it and depending on whether or not I've watched PTI that day it will more biased than my writing on here.

Oh, I got engaged. Wedding is next May.

To some of the long time readers of my myspace and livejournal blogs, it looks like I was right about Favre all along. He's a selfish bastard that puts himself before everyone else.

Intentional Sexism

2008-05-28T00:23:00.003-04:00

In racing when there's a wreck and someone gets mad...

Men confront the guy whose fault it was most of the time...

Women try to confront guy 100% of the time...

Gees ladies calm down.

This will be the end of the NBA

2008-05-19T23:19:00.004-04:00

So no one over the age of 23 can advance in the NBA playoffs this year. That's no fun. It's still possible you know...David Stern will do anything he can to prevent it, but what if it happens? Can you imagine how boring that split screen head thing they're doing...Billips and Duncan...that's right...your 2008 NBA Finals...

The Spurs vs. The Pistons! I would go 0-7 on watching this series as would the rest of the country. My first positive thought after the Cavs lost was "At least I don't have to hear De-Troit-basket-ball!" a hundred effing times a game. ~~I'd rather watch the Bill Engval Show~~

Should this nightmare series happen ratings could be as low as NHL or something women like. Unless we get a Lakers vs. Celtics match up, the NBA will continue to slide in popularity.

Nothing has changed in the NBA

2008-05-08T20:22:00.002-04:00

Yes an NBA ref was busted for fixing a game but nothing has changed. Watching the NBA playoffs reminds me of a reality show. If you win the first challenge of the episode than you get some sort of advantage for the next competition. Like on Biggest Loser, the winner of the first challenge gets to deduct 2 lbs. off their weigh in for the week. This concept is almost understood and accepted in the NBA. You have to be at least 15 points better than a team that night to win on the road. I only watch the NBA during the playoffs for the most part but I'm in disbelief at how bad the officiating is...for example, that foul on West when Garnett had that breakaway. He wasn't even near him but the ref knew it would get the crowd pumped so he called a foul.

LeBron gives us flashback

2008-05-07T19:45:00.002-04:00

2-18? Wow King James, thanks. Way to match a stat from the 2007 NCAA game (ours were 3's).

Mark my word, he will come back and score about 31 in another close loss this weekend! A bold stance, I know, but last year may have been a fluke.

I really don't have much else to report, I just wanted to take that dead horse article off of the top.

Oh, we're ranked #1 on cbssportsline.com because 18 of 22 starters are back. Beating USC would be sweet. Sweeter than a song girl's ass.

Big Brown wins

2008-05-03T18:20:00.002-04:00

...and some other horse fell...that usually means they have to shoot it right? I look forward to hearing cocky comments until The Preakness. 8 Bells got 2nd and then collapsed..typical female. ha-HA!

Congrats to Big Brown, the first African-American horse to win the Derby.

It was either this or womens golf

2008-05-03T17:20:00.002-04:00

Kentucky Derby day and I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma doing shows. My friend, Bob Costas, is covering the event on NBC. As I start this entry it's about 40 minutes until race time. I wasn't going to write anything but something unbelievable happened a few minutes ago. As they were walking Big Brown from a stable to probably some other stable, a grown man could be heard in the background singing, "Overrrr-raaated!" Yeah, take that horse! You and your 5-2 odds can suck it! Sure none of these horses even give a shit about winning (even the intellectual Big Brown). I can't decide if I like Big Brown's trainer/owner/whatever the hell he is. He's very cocky and with an hour of pregame coverage for 2 minutes of action we almost need it.

Other notes:
-Ahh, a promo about the Olympics. They're sure to be an awesome disaster.

-I've got Visionare at 23-1 (I promise I typed this well before race time)

-There's a voting contest for favorite hat. Why?

-Turns out Visionare's owner owned Barbaro...they just asked him if Visionaire belongs in the race...not a good sign.

-No one is going to read this until late August

-Big Brown is not handling the environment very well--uh oh! He couldn't handle the overrated chants afterall.

-"Much the best? Why do they keep saying that?" Exacto 20-19 by one dumbass announcer.

-How does one pronounce "Gayego?"

-My friend Jim AND Reader Wise have picked Pyro. Jim is the luckiest person I know, Reader Wise...the opposite.

Let's see what happens...

Champions! A second rate writing effort for a 2nd rate tournament

2008-04-03T21:10:00.003-04:00

Yes! Suck it UMass, Florida, and every other mediocre team that entered this redheaded stepchild of a tournament!
I started to blog the game but kept throwing my notebook so the notes end early. At the beginning I had so many questions like, Will this be over by the time The Office reruns begin? Will the game score higher ratings than the LA Galaxy's Beckem-fest on later tonight? Can they be anymore pro-UMass in their announcing? The answer to all 3 is "no."

This game was important to Koufos as his last chance to impress scouts. He started with a turnover, a missed shot, a foul, and then giving up a basket. Isaah Thomas was salivating.
On the flip side, Terwilliger hit a 3. Sideshow Matt played so well that Thad thought it best to reward him with pretty much no playing time in his final half of basketball EVER (though I've heard a league in Antarctica has been scouting him).

After the first few opening runs by both teams it was obvious that physically our team was going to dominate. They were running and gunning on us, but missing quite a few perimeter shots. That's the thing I enjoyed about this game, UMass kinda sucked. It's weird watching a big game against us where the other team isn't shooting our lights out. Didn't Florida go like 33-35 on 3's last year? UMass made some here and there but overall they couldn't get many good shots off on us in the set half court situations. I praise Thad for using the zones and traps for slowing the game down. I knew we weren't going to make any huge runs because the fast pace favored UMass, but we built up just enough of a lead to hang on.

3 stats stick out in this game though they contradict each other. We had the better inside presence and blocked 12 of their shots. Howevah...we gave up 24 offensive boards! 2 dozen. That'll happen in a zone but still, it would have cost us provided UMass could actually shoot.
Both teams made 32 field goals during the game. We shot 57, UMass fired off 87. Diebler would have been perfect for their offense. Any team that gives up over 90 to us simply cannot play defense.

Overall I'm happy. They did as well as they possibly could in the situation. Our young guys got more experience and Butler got a little more of a spotlight. We'll probably lose Koufos, but other than that and a lack of point guard (Remember those Carlos Davis years?) next year should be promising. It'll be like that girl you haven't seen in awhile, and you heard she lost weight and got hotter while staying at her aunt's in Kentucky all summer.

Scroll down a few entries and see who I predicted to win this tournament...when is the banner ceremony?

(So at the top of the hour with a minute left in the game I flip over to check on The Office...my NBC affiliate has decided to not show it, but instead put on a 30 minute promo for The Jersey Boys coming to town.)

Where did this annoying term come from?

2008-04-02T19:43:00.002-04:00

That's CHALK man! Up until this year I had never heard of a bracket referred to as chalk. I thought maybe it was one of those things that other people knew like who The Supreme Court Justice is, but it turns out a few of my friends hadn't heard of it either. Chalk...picking all of the higher seeds to advance. In other words, not picking upsets, i.e. the women's bracket year after year.
Or the N.I.T. when the Buckeyes are the #1 seed! Hells yeah! Unfortunately my bracket was only 2-4 on the NIT final four...wait what? I'm not allowed to refer to it as that? Final Few? Fucked out of the NCAA Four?

All I know is that our season lasted the longest out of anyone in the Big Ten and that means Wisconsin and Michigan State can suck it.

Perhaps I'll blog the game tomorrow night...is that allowed?

By the way I blame Mike and Mike for popularizing the term chalk.

I Kan Haz Mishugen playerz

2008-03-27T09:05:00.002-04:00

Before I get to the NIT game I suggest you click on the title for the link to the latest news about Justin Boren leaving Michigan and possibly becoming a Buckeye (after sitting this year out). Two other linemen have also left the program along with their only quarterback left with game experience. This team is going to be as talented as the 1971 Marshall team. I can't wait for that sequel... "We Are Michigan!"

Could this program collapse that bad and parallel their basketball teams of the last decade? We can only hope.

Now onto the N.I.T. game. I was doing a show last night so I didn't get to catch most of it, however one of my friends sent me a text that said, "DEEBS!" I hurried home to the Internets to see that he hit a pair of 3's...whoa, a pair? You mean like a real scholarship players? Awesome, good job, super! He ended up with 10 points. You know what it was, Dayton guarded him. Yep, if you'll recall back to the exclusive interview all he needed was a hand in his face.

I would also like to note that when all of the seniors came out of the game for their final home game none of those cheers were for Terwilliger.

So is the season a success? We've been to two N.I.T. Final Four's in a matter of months. I suppose it's good to have experience, very fresh N.I.T. experience.

My bracket took a beating when UMass kept winning, but my final matchup is still intact. I'll go calculate my percentage after I ponder why Brady Quinn is already doing endorsement deals for another ten minutes.

Standings take a long time

2008-03-22T10:54:00.003-04:00

So all we need to know is that I'm tied for first and in the lower part of the standings Reader Wise is tied with my girlfriend. In the National Standings due to yesterday's magic in Tampa no one is perfect...in fact everyone has missed at least 2 games. Still, this doesn't feel like a big upset tournament. I don't find myself screaming, "I can't believe Drake AND Vanderbilt both lost!"
Bob Knight made a good point about how talent will get you through one round, but you need a solid team to advance any further. I think this point will ring true for teams like Tennessee who were able to dick around because they're "more athletic." Then Bob Knight went back to raving about Pittsburgh.
With the Pac-10 losing so many games people are wondering if UCLA is the real deal. We won't find out until the Final Four because the only "good team" left in their bracket is Xavier (though I think Duke might turn things around and somehow advance in that piss-ant region). The Quack Attack cost me big, but that's what I get for picking a team who was 5 games over .500 (now 4 games over .500) to beat a team with 1 loss. Hopefully Pitt is as good as Knight says and will recover that section for me.
Don't forget to fill out your women's bracket if you haven't already...here's how you do it...Take the 4 teams who have dominated women's basketball for the last 20 years into the Final Four and you too can be a women's bracketologist. (haha, I said women's -somethingologist, see what I did there?)

Exclusive Interview with Diebler...kinda

2008-03-19T19:11:00.004-04:00

We got Terrelle Pryor, suck it Michigan. What will this do for our program? I don't care...I'm more concerned about what it doesn't do, give Michigan a quarterback. They'll be starting fresh this year with someone who wasn't good enough to be mentioned last year so I'm confident that they'll suck again. It also says something about our recruiting power, not that we didn't know this already.

OK back to hoops. The team looked slightly motivated last night against THE GIANT!

Really Dur, that's the best you can do is "THE GIANT?!" Yes, yes it is. My efforts in this blog will parallel the efforts of our NIT performance. Uncreative, and just enough to get the job done. I spent all of my creativity thinking of an entry name for this year's bracket challenge (Oh what has Joel done now?). I've decided to place my yearly jinx on North Carolina (I don't think I've ever picked a winner right) because when they advance, it's boring. I don't want a guy named Tyler taking up half of "One Shining Moment" either. I filled out so many brackets on so many websites that I don't remember the picks I made for this one. In a few I have Oregon beating Memphis in the 2nd round...Oregon is 5 games over .500. Five.

I should include one interesting piece of information. My Dad (The Bull), who coaches high school ball in somewhere in Ohio, ran into Diebler's father at the State Tournament last week. From the conversation with my old man I'm going to call it a Midwesternbias exclusive interview.

Bull: How did Jon handle the season this year?
Mr. Diebler: It was rough on him. He said he's not used to being so wide open on 3's from the corner.

There you have it fans...Jon couldn't make a shot to save his life because he was
TOO OPEN!

(Yes, I've now changed the font twice in one entry)
So next year, all we need is teams to provide better defense on Jon and he'll finally make a 3. I guess he needs the defender up in his face so he can yell "boo-ya" as the ball goes through.

Reader Wise has threatened not to fill out a bracket this year. Should he boycott this tradition I will fill the void with more FAIL pictures.

Oh this will be awesome

2008-03-18T13:14:00.008-04:00

I can't seem to find the N.I.T. tournament challenge or even a damn pdf file to print it out. So I guess everyone will have to mail their brackets overnight headquarters. Just draw out the brackets in crayon. I know tonight's game starts at 7:00 and is on ESPN2 because ESPN is showing...sigh, a women's bracket preview and the men's play-in game.

OK, I've located the schedule for the first round games but still no brackets. I can only guess that should be actually start winning games we'll end up in the final against Florida.

Ahh, I've located it in a google search under an article called "Don't get excited..."

I'll fill my bracket out and post it up so you can get a feel of what us N.I.T. experts are predicting! You're welcome America..as you can see I stuck to my word and used crayon... (just click on the bracket for a clear view of how it will turn out)

As you can see I've got a lot of first round upsets including UMass going down in a "Stunner!" Hii-ooooooo!

Jack-Fu should have the real brackets up shortly. I'll be spending the next few hours thinking of my team's name.

Vote Now!

2008-03-10T19:12:00.001-04:00

Well will make the tournament:

a. No matter what

b. If we beat Michigan State again

c. If we win 2 Big Ten Tournament Games

d. Next year

e. Just to show that The Dur's pessimistic ways won't get him anywhere

I swear, they dick around all winter and then somehow come up with these big wins. They remind me of how the Bears always start winning once they're out of the playoffs just to ruin their draft picks. My hopes are up though. Somehow I see Dicky V's annual bubble rant going like this...

"And with the Big Ten being so down I can't baylieve they let the Buckeye's in, Thad I love ya but c'mon, are you kidding me? Duke's red shirts could have beaten this squad!"

Don't forget to vote...

Butler Finally Has Shots, Balls Drop

2008-03-04T21:38:00.003-05:00

Just a few notes about this one, and I'll try not to piss on our parade too badly. According to the CBS stats (ESPN refuses to update their box scores), Butler actually shot well, which is good because his assist to turnover ratio was 0:5. No assists? Stop passing to Diebler (another onefer... performance). They played pretty well down the stretch and made sure to get quality shots off, except for a certain someone who decided to fire up a three for no reason, I think we know who I mean. Only 7 players actually had real playing time in this one so our lack of depth will continue to hurt us as the season gets this late. (Hill and Lauderdale totaled 5 minutes)

The most entertaining part of the game was when Erin Andrews asked Thad what he thought about the game clock not working and he told her that they practice like that and did it on purpose...she of course believed him, because we all know hot women have no sense of sarcasm. It's nice to actually win a nationally televised game. I think that's the first one I've seen them win in 2008. Don't worry though, we're still a miracle away from making the NCAA.

Preparing for the NIT

2008-02-27T11:33:00.003-05:00

See, I wasn't just being mean when I said we weren't making the tournament. We haven't beaten anyone important in weeks. Sure we hang around and lose by 3 to Indiana (hey Diebler, if you make more than 1 of your 6 threes that game goes into overtime), but we're losing to teams like Iowa and Michigan now. Last week the experts had us listed as going to the tournament along with the other Big Ten teams, but since our 3 game losing streak I have to send us to the NIT instead.

There are rules a fan has to obey when cheering for a team in the NIT. We're not allowed to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Sorry. You have to go to that ghetto wing place, "Ronnie's Wings n' Shit" down the street and watch the Buckeyes from a plywood booth on the faded color TV propped up on that miracle "how is that thing screwed into the wall?" display. The games are on nights like Monday and Wednesday and they're not even on ESPN. Oh no, ESPN is showing the Big Dance...for the women. Nope, we get ESPN2 and maybe some Pam Ward to do our games. Meanwhile, teams like Drake are enjoying the spotlight of being the talk of everyone's bracket. Watch out for those 10 seeds, blah blah blah.
"Can I get some blue cheese?" No, I can't. They only serve ranch at Ronnie's. And don't bother asking for celery or a wet-nap because only NCAA tournament fans deserve that kind of treatment. Holy shit a 250 pound black woman just changed the station to Fox so she can see who is on American Idol this week. Nothing I can do about it, I'm not at a sports bar.

And now for your Diebler 3-ball report...

16-45 since I last reported. Wow, Jon, that's over 33%, you're almost like a real recruit. Don't make me look up your girlfriend on facebook and email her some advice to pass onto you. (You'll recall Sideshow Matt's girlfriend didn't take that too well). Instead, I've found and joined the group "Is Jon Diebler every going to make a shot?"

This might work

2008-02-21T21:07:00.003-05:00

If you follow the Cavs as closely as I do through the regular season (checking on them on cbssportsline.com every few nights to see if they're a 4 or 5 seed) then you might be interested to know they had a biracial 3-way. The 11 man trade was so confusing that withleather.com had to take down their original post about it because they screwed up some names (I swear they had something posted and now it's replaced by this hot chick who is wearing see-through clothes. If I sound like I'm trying to draw you to a more interesting blog, then yeah, I am. We're still months away from meaningful NBA games.

The LeBron's pickup Wally (there's no way I'm taking the time to spell his name right, you know who I mean, the white guy who Danny Ferry is now going to vicariously live through), Ben Wallace (wait, is he the really good one who's kinda obnoxious or the okay one who's just kinda obnoxious? Oh, damn it's not Rasheed), and Joe Smith, a #1 pick overall from back when I was still playing Tecmo basketball on my SNES and sure that could have been last week, but this is his 9th team since the 95-96 season. I was going to say that's a lot of moving but I've moved 14 times since then so I won't judge. There might be a 2nd round pick in there somewhere as well.
What does all this mean? The Cavs returning to Finals? No, that won't be interesting. ~~Can you imagine losing a championship two years in a row?~~ Speaking of old video games, I think it would be best for basketball to have a matchup that was also the title of the Sega Genesis's first NBA game...Lakers Vs. Celtics. (I can tell it's Bird because he has bright yellow hair, wow this is so real!)

Replacing Sideshow Matt

2008-01-21T11:25:00.000-05:00

A sample...

Jon Dielber's 3 point shooting in a handful of games...

11/12
vs. Wisconsin-Green Bay 0-5

11/23
vs. Texas A&M 0-7

11/25
vs. VMI 0-4

12/01
vs. Butler 0-4

12/10
vs. Coppin State 0-3

4 games since 1/9 0-18

Grand total 0-41

But what about the games he made just one 3 pointer? 3 for 11.

He's not much better at the shorter shots either. Overall he's shooting 35-125. Apparently these gymnasiums are tougher to shoot in. Does he need a background with a stage full of geeky clarinet players from Bucyrus in order to make a shot? We have no depth so I think Thad believe he has to play him. Kufos and the boys should all come back next year and play without sucking. We could actually put him out at power forward where he belongs.

(Wow, this was insightful Dur)
Shut up, I know.

We're not going anywhere

2008-01-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

Good lord we suck tonight. I've seen Bears games with better offense, BEARS GAMES! (Plays Lisa, plaa-aays!)

Butler does nothing but dribble it half way in and then kick it out to someone waiting 5 feet behind the NBA 3 point line. Then there's this stiff. We're on pace to match SLU's 20 points! Thanks for waiting until a nationally televised game to get your asses kicked. We're not going to make the tournament. Diebler sucks, hell, they all suck. And what's sad is they almost have a really good defense. Let's hope we can score 29 points in the last 24 minutes of regulation, otherwise we look like a high school girl's score. The Big Ten must suck. Somehow the entire conference other than 1st and 2nd place will end up under .500. Mathematically impossible? We'll find a way. Until then, enjoy Butler not even looking at the basket and the ghost of Treg Lee running around and bricking 15 footers.

Turning my attention to less painful things

2008-01-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

At least, in theory. Back by quasi-popular non-demand.

By the way, my sister now writes about movies with a bunch of pinkos. It's like reading my stuff, except arguably better written and inarguably containing 100% less swearing. Now, I know my sister and am familiar with her preferred word choices, so she must have one fucking fuck of a goddamn fucking editor over there. Fuck. Anyways: 90s music and the stupidity of the American public. Two things that can work me into a lather at dinner parties, work, or other times when I'm awake. *Deep breath* okay. I gotta get this shit off my TiVo.

60. Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison
Okay, hour 3 is off to a good start, what with the MotownPhilly and the glaven. I remember driving in Mr. Brodie's van to basketball camp at Plymouth Salem every day in the summer of 1990 hoping that this song would come on the radio. Ubiquitous Rolling Stone journalist/TV commenter Rob Sheffield says that this song had one of the greatest lines of the 90s, and then they cut away and never come back to him. "Yo slick: blow"? "Me and the crew used to do her"? Anyway, one of them is in real estate now, one of them changed his moniker to "sporty rich" and hangs out with Puff Doodly, and the other one apparently no longer exists.

59. Weezer - Buddy Holly
This must be on here for the video, because Jimmy Eat Average Weezer Fan can pick out at least five songs from the Blue Album and Pinkerton that are better than this one. But yeah: great, iconic video, and it's still fun to watch. Hollywood Steve says that Weezer was "deep down geeky" and "not fronting." Yeah, I've seen the album cover; those guys are not faking. Obligatory discussion of Rivers Cuomo's late 90's nerd-vous breakdown ... now. Not enough music videos feature Barry Zuckercorn nowadays. He's very good.

58. Sophie B. Hawkins - Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover
I, uh .. okay. I mean, I remember this song, but ... really? A cursory search reveals that this was the 34th-ranked single of 1992. Legendary. Oh, it might have something to do with this: Host Lady calls the tune "a mating call for the incurably horny," and says that the ambiguous lyrics made some wonder if Hawkins was a lesbian or bisexual, rumors which the singer squelched by claiming that she was "omnisexual." I don't know what that means, but it makes me think of Spud Webb and Jon Konkac. Sophie had another tune in 1994 that I've never heard of. Um, if they say so. She's now a painter and has held up pretty well, if I do say so myself. Which I do.

57. Jay-Z - Can I Get A...
See, there's a certain degree of cognitive dissonance that comes along with just defining this era of music as "the 90s" and throwing everything into a big stew. I mean, seriously: Sophie B. Hawkins followed immediately by Jay-Z? And the thing that binds them together is that the particular big hit records we're talking about here were both released during a decade which began with "199." You can probably tell that I have absolutely nothing to talk about here. This video apparently featured Chris Penn, whose brother is a legendary dick.

Songs that missed the cut!
"103." Fatboy Slim - Rockafeller Skank -- I remember that the first time I ever heard this was on a car ride to Cedar Point. I know that James Tuttle was in the car, but that's all I remember. Despite the fact that I prefer this song, I remember "Praise You" being quite a bit more popular. But that might have crossed over the magic "December 31, 1999" barrier.

56. L.L. Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out
Asshole Speech from Arrested Development says that this was "vintage L.L." in that it was "macho" and "confident." And because he was "largely shirtless." The guys from Blues Traveler think this song was "'p-h' phat." I consider them "irrelevant." I want to squeeze in more "quotation marks." Ooh, clips of L.L. and his massive deodorant clumps from MTV's Unplugged. Good times.

55. Fiona Apple - Criminal
Pretty teenagers in their underwears! Several compliments for Fiona's husky, sultry voice. I am in agreeance. The Nelson brothers think that she's a "naughty girl." I am skeeved out. There's so much wood panelling and pouting in this video; I think whoever made "The Ice Storm" must have watched this a bunch. Fiona Apple is 30 now, and more of my adolescence retreats away from me. Let's move on.

54. Joan Osborne - One of Us
"If God was just a stranger on the bus, I sure hope he's not that guy that's touching himself." There are times when I think that "I Love the 80s" and "Best Week Ever" were horrible, horrible mistakes that we're all going to have to pay for in the future, and then there are times where I'm wrong about things. The above quote was made by some guy, some "Best Week Ever" guy, and my teeth are clenched. Old friend Lisa Arch says that this song pissed off religious wackos because you're not supposed to use the word "God" in a song so many times. I don't think it was the quantity that bothered people, Lisa. But yeah: wackos. What a surprise, controversy helped make a song a hit. I'm gonna write a bluesy number about God performing an abortion and having sex with some displaced Hurricane Katrina victim while he's doing blow off a male prostitute's balls. And then I'll rake in the millions.

53. Naughty by Nature - O.P.P.
OMIGOD, DO U KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR?!?! NO WAZE!!!!1! There's a bunch of ridiculous comments about all that. Also, Treach did porn, apparently. Doesn't make me like the bassline any less.

52. Sugar Ray - Fly
I hate this song. I liked "Every Morning" better, and I can't decide if I'm ashamed of that. Can I get a ruling?

51. 2 Pac - California Love
Once again: embarrassingly, unrelentingly white. I always kind of had a sense that Dr. Dre was heavily influenced by "The Road Warrior," and this confirms it. I don't know what I'm saying. Also, 2 Pac died and still sold a shitload of records. If you were my freshman roommate Stinky John, this obviously meant that 2 Pac was not really dead, since we all know that every time a song is played, the performer has to shrink down and get magically teleported into your radio like an auditory Mike TeeVee, and then he/she/they perform(s) the song, and HOW THE HELL COULD THE SONG BE PLAYING IF HE WAS DEAD? IT MAKES NO SENSE! I blame witchcraft.

50. Alice in Chains - Man in a Box
I mean, I guess I can vaguely understand this, but I would definitely choose another 1991 AiC song if I could only take one to a desert island. Or, you know, put it on a top-100 list. Anyway, when I say I can vaguely understand it, I mean that I could probably accept it being in the top 100. The top half, though? I don't know what these people were smoking. And by "these people," I mean the American public.

49. Jewel - Who Will Save Your Soul
Jewel apparently wrote this when she was 16. I tell you what, she went through that brief period where she kind of slutted it up a little and sort of tried to be a Britney clone and acted like she could dance, but The Yodeler never looked hotter than in this video. Snaggletooth and all. Present day Jewel says that the first time she heard it on the radio she was embarrassed because she thought she sounded like Kermit the Frog. And Best Week Ever Guy is pissed off that Jewel's stealing all his best material. She's with some rodeo guy now. That seems oddly fitting.

48. Matchbox Twenty - 3 AM
Ugh. "They were the kind of band fans could bring home to mom," says Host Lady, who then calls them "nice-guy rockers." I guess half of that phrase is true, maybe. Chris Kirkpatrick from NSync thinks "these guys are so good," and Delbert Marcy Playground thinks this was a great song. Well there's all you need to know. What's the opposite of the "appeal to authority" fallacy? Rob Thomas says he wrote this song about growing up with a mother who had cancer. Well don't I feel like a fuckin' asshole. The band recently put out a song that Scooter tried endlessly to get stuck in my head over New Year's, and I still kind of hate him for it.

47. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Good Vibrations
Holy shit, over/under on the number of underwear mentions: 5. Jesus, Marky Mark looks, like, 12 in this video. This video that apparently consists almost entirely of him working out. "This is a fantastic song, mostly because Marky Mark is gorgeous." Maybe that makes it a fantastic video (and it SO does), but Wahlberg's looks don't really affect the quality of the track that much, unless I'm crazy. Jake Fogelnest: "It's got Marky Mark screaming at you ... It was almost like, if you didn't feel the vibrations, he was gonna come kick the shit out of you." FEEL IT! FEEL IT! Lots of talk about how Wahlberg became an actor and has really tried kind of pathetically hard to distance himself from his (snicker) "roots." Marky Mark underwear mentions: 2. I would make a bad bookie.

46. Shania Twain - You're Still the One
Full disclosure: when Adore by Smashing Pumpkins came out, I went to the Media Play in Southgate at midnight and bought that record. And, while I was there, I bought this single for 99 cents. I ... I can't defend that decision. Anyways. Mark McGrath sheds a tear when he hears this song. This song was inspired by Shania's husband, a producer named "Mutt," of whom there are apparently no pictures dated later than about 1992. FUCK ME, Lisa Arch just points out, as I'm typing it, that there's just that one picture of Mutt that they show all the time, that black-and-white one in which he looks like the keyboard player from Bon Jovi. You know the one one I'm talking about. Wait, you stopped reading after the first two sentences, didn't you?

45. Hootie & the Blowfish - Only Wanna Be With You
SOMEBODY CALL TODD! He's probably furious that (*spoiler alert*) this is the only Hootie song on the list. He probably thinks there should be five songs from "Cracker Rear View" in the top 20. "Let it never be forgotten that America loved Hootie & the Blowfish," says Rob Sheffield. That album sold like a quadzillion copies, Rob, I have no idea how much effort it would take to block out that memory. For a video that was ass-full of SportsCenter references, they're showing nary a one of them. Viacom and Disnergy must not be getting along (Norby!). Host Lady says that the band was the victim of a "Hootie backlash," obviously reading from a script written by Todd.

44. The Fugees - Killing Me Softly With His Song
Basically the Fugees took a Roberta Flack song, added a more up-tempo drumbeat, some sitar, and some "uh"s and "what"s, and they had a huge hit. Someone talks about how awesome it was to be listening to this song and go "one time" and "two times" along with Wyclef. Do I need to tell you that it was Best Week Ever guy? I didn't think so. Some guy is shocked that the Fugees broke up right after this album came out. It's called "egos," buddy. Ben Lee wins the comment of the episode award: "You can never write her off, because you know she could just come back with that killer record. Fingers crossed, we get it before Chinese Democracy."

43. En Vogue - My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)
Wow, hotness. I had completely forgotten about this song, but yeah, I remember now. Godfrey says, "The lead one, I wanted to hit. And I wanted to hit the other one, the other one, and the other one." Strangely, VH1 has to bleep out "hit" when used as a synonym for "have sex with." My personal favorite, Dawn, left the band in the mid-90s, getting replaced by ... someone. Anyway, no one really talks about the song itself, they just talk about how hot En Vogue was. I just ... sure.

42. Collective Soul - Shine
Everyone is talking about these guys being poseurs - I mean, did I miss something? "Record execs must have been handing out flannel shirts to everyone," fake Michael McDonald says. "They totally were just like looking at the pages of Spin and looking at, like, how Eddie Vedder looks," according to a random actor/comedienne. She then says "that song was still kind of good, though. I'm not gonna front." What the fuck is going on here? Mark McGrath points out, truthfully or not, that Collective Soul was "the most played 'modern rock' band of the 90s." I could probably check on that, but I'm lazy. I'd have to open up a whole new tab and everything. This song? Was good and popular and probably pretty accurately placed.

41. Spin Doctors - Two Princes
Really, America? Really? Seriously, have you thought about this? Effusive praise from a few commenters, but mostly we're told about how shocked the band was that the song became a hit and the band became successful ... come on, guys, make me work here. Did everyone else who reads this order this album with their first-ever BMG or Columbia House "10 CDs for 1 cent" account? Personally, I would have though "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" would have been the highest-ranking Spin Doctors song, but I suppose I'm not an expert on all things Spin Doctorly. Host Lady: "Album sales back-slid in the years following 'Two princes.'" That, class, is what we call an understatement.

Hour four will be forthcoming. All the time.

So...what else is going on?

2008-01-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

In an ever so tasteful manner OSU's newspaper The Lantern published this picture about the game...Guhh. Guys? I'm not offended but was it supposed to be funny? There have been funny headlines in the past but they weren't quite as, well, firefighty. In other news we've got a few guys returning to help with things like "catching passes" and "stopping them from catching passes!" Reader Wise pointed out that the last time a good #2 returned at that position we won it all. With Notre Dame sucking I'm pretty sure we're the #1 most hated football team in America. We're the Yankees/Pistons/Patriots/Duke Blue Devils all wrapped into one. That's fine though, it means more press coverage. Our basketball team still hasn't warranted live stats on cbssportsline.com but I suspect a ranking is coming soon. Diebler still can't shoot though. Speaking of terrible, the school right down the road from me, SLU, put up 20 this week...a number equal to my total for my senior year. I didn't get 40 minutes to do it though. When I left the gym this morning I was watching UNC against NC State, it was 19-11 UNC...I got home, made some lunch and turned the TV on, it was 41-11 UNC. At the half it's 43-13, so good luck with that half time speech, coach. Their locker room is probably like the SNL Peyton Manning basketball skit right now.

Third annual thebowl.challenge: Final standings grrr argh fuck, take two

2008-01-09T21:36:00.000-05:00

So, that happened. Again. Despite outgaining the Tigers and shooting ourselves in the foot repeatedly, the media, somewhat predictably, will go for the easy story every time: Ohio State and the Big Ten is t3h suxx0rz. Please note that this is not to take anything away from LSU: they were the better team and they played the better game. When they're healthy and motivated, they're the best team in the country, and it showed. I'm just noting that people who stomp all over OSU and play the "OMG they got destroyed again" card are completely mischaracterizing a game in which the Buckeyes on a play-by-play basis actually acquitted themselves quite well, but made numerous backbreaking mistakes. Again, LSU is better. Normally I don't give a crap about the media hating on my favorite teams. The thing that worries me is that we'll never be given the benefit of the doubt again. The media feels like we've shit the bed two years in a row and they'll elevate anyone they can make an argument for ahead of us in the future. A great showing at USC in September is an absolute must.

Anyways, that's that. Good season, we had some laughs, blah blah blah. Kirk, Malcolm, Vernon, Larry, probably James, and whoever else is gone: good luck, we enjoyed watching you. Everyone else: see you in a few months.

As for The Challenge: Unofficial MGoBlog Cartoonist Joel A. Morgan was in the top 3 the entire time, unless I'm mistaken, and (thank God) passed Jesse Palmer in the end thanks to higher confidence in LSU. Reader Wise's 32 points on OSU didn't turn out so well. For anyone. Speacial congrats as well to Mike Neary, who set a new thebowl.challenge record by placing into percentile 1.1 nationally. That's one and a tenth percentiles better than no percentiles at all. Nothing that interesting happened in the standings. Congrats to Joel. I hate the world.

Rank	Team	Owner	Record	TOTAL	PCT.
1	Football in the Groin	J. Morgan	24-8	389	94.9
2	Jesse Palmer's Picks	Jesse Palmer	21-11	378	90.6
3	Chereth Cutestory	Jack	24-8	372	87.8
4	The Dur's Picks = FAIL	Reader Wise	23-9	369	86.2
5	The D	Dustin	19-13	354	77.1
6	Do me, I'm gay	Todd	19-13	351	75.0
7	Excelsior!!!!!!	Matt	21-11	347	72.2
8	The Thunder	"S. Lawrence"	19-13	343	69.3
9	Simply The Vest	Jeff	20-12	336	64.1
10	I'm kind of a big deal	"B. Gordon"	20-12	335	63.3
11	Stupid Scott	Evan	19-13	329	58.6
12	Joel defends hate crimes	The Dur	20-12	320	51.8
12	No goats, no glory	Jamz Tuttle	17-15	320	51.8
14	no entry name (lame)	My Dad	17-15	314	47.2
15	Givin' 'em da business	Kat	17-15	305	40.6

OSU @ LSU

2008-01-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

I got out my notebook for the game last night. I figured, if we lost, I could write another painful post, ~~if we won...~~ so here goes.

Pregame: On Fox they show 2 famous sports alums to talk about each school's history. We have Jack...they have Shaq. By the end of Shaq's segment he's wearing a space helmet and yelling one of his stupid ass "Can you dig it?!" lines that no one ever really liked, they were just scared that if they didn't act like it was cool he would beat them up.

The National Anthem is being played by a ~~drunk~~ jazz band and takes longer than Bleeding Gums Murphy's version.

Tonight's theme: "Hey, remember last year?" To make sure we remember last year, Urban Meyer gets to sit there and do a poor job of being humble. Eddie George leaves his soul at the security entrance and plays along.

As the teams run out I say a little prayer that no one breaks an ankle...remember last year? Of course I do...I would have forgotten, but Fox was there for me.

Oh wonderful! Here in Missouri there are 2 dozen funnel clouds around the St. Louis area so my girlfriend's 40 inch widescreen TV is now down to 37 inches because of the stupid outline that has to go 3/4 of the way around...giant weather map taking up the III quadrant of the screen. Beautiful.

Chris Meyers seems to be sprouting a mullet for the upcoming NASCAR season.

The All-State CEO gives his little speech about good hands and to make it apparent he's never been to a sporting event. I bet his son sucks at little league but gets drafted first every year because daddy buys the team shakes afterward, really good shakes, like the half and half's at Steak-n-Shake(get back on track Dur).

Kickoff, we don't score...late hit ignored, apparently the refs are nervous too.

And the first play from scrimmage is...shrunk because now we have to see the damn lottery numbers--Fuck this cable!

Wells, 65 yards, doesn't break foot! We all know this means nothing!

Speaking of, there's a Ginn sighting. Looks like Teddy has come out to support...the White Sox? He chose that hat? I understand not wearing his Dolphins stuff but why?

LSU runs the "Notre Dame snap" and we soon get the ball back.

(1 commercial mention) New commercials! New music so hip and "commercially" even Zach Braff is asking, "What band is this?"

We return to a field goal set up by Sane's catch out of the "Eff having a backfield!" formation.

This Stelz guy has to have herpes. Other white LSU stars...Hester, seems to be better than the Northwestern white running backs we've faced over the years.

71 holds several people and they get a big gain. Wait what? (a ghost whispers) Go ahead and hold all you want this game!

(Why is it a ghost?...because I'm tired and can't think of anything better)

Flynn tries a few draw plays. Flynn is to Teabow,as what I am to Teabow. I hope they keep trying those.

A black midget (not quite as rare as an Asian one) named Holiday defers his handoff and Flynn has to eat it again.

haha More like "Douchette!"

Wow, we're looking great. Great like Super Bowl XXII's Denver Broncos who also took a 10-0 lead.

First quarter totals:

OSU: 10

LSU: 3

References to last year: 76

Chris referring to aggressive play calling: 23

LSU finally scores on a tricky little play. I'm pretty sure everyone but the center ended up being a receiver on that one. We used to run it in 4th grade at recess. Flynn threw it before we got to "10 alligator" so the pass rush was late.

Wells bitchslaps someone and seems to be running the ball well tonight. (Tressel's head: Hmm, he's running it so well, they'll probably expect that we stick to that gameplan...boy are they in for a surprise!)

Uh oh 17-10...I'm deflated.

If this fucker says, "Dialed up..." one more time...

FUCKING FUCK FUCK...SON OF A BITCH WE'RE THE FUCKING BUFFALO BILLS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL, WE HAVE TO HEAR THIS SHIT FROM THE "SOUF" FOR ANOTHER DECADE ON TOP OF THE ONE THEY STARTED LAST YEAR. FUCK.

I give up on blog pretty early. Girlfriend sees notes and says, "Honey, you're so full of rage."

Championship game: thoughts from the peanut gallery

2008-01-07T19:11:00.000-05:00

Choice cuts from the emails today:

Coworker Ben:
... Matt Flynn strikes me as a broke-ass Todd Boeckman - only not a worthy adversary. Dorsey scares me. Not supremely confident, but we are gonna win. LSU takes too many chances and plays sloppy...

Kev:
... I feel the most worried about the game resting on Todd Boeckman's arm; if he isnt able to throw the ball with efficiency, they'll put 8 men in the box and increase the odds of stopping Beanie running the ball...if Boeckman gets off to an early start, i could see us putting 40 points in the board and hurting them in the air and on the ground...glen dorsey would scare me more if he were an end, playing defensive tackle will able us to double-team him easier ... Les Miles is an airhead who will make the wrong call at the wrong time and his luck will run out...

(JACK: seems excessively optimistic to me. 40 points? For serial?)

Reader Wise:
... I feel much more comfortable with this year's game than i did last year. For some reason, I just felt like last year the defense was exposed during The Game and that it would show in Glendale. I'm worried about our defensive ends (I think Rose is out for this game too, along with Wilson), and Lil' Animal seems to come up small some times. I think mainly i've just tempered down my expectations ... I'm absolutely petrified that Heacock is going to play base nickel all damn game. We're going to have to get pressure early and often, and if that means taking chances with the secondary, then so be it ... Not too scared of it being a road game. I think Buckeye fans will pay the outrageous ticket prices just as easily as LSU fans ... If the D-line doesn't get pressure on pass plays, and hold their ground on the run, this D is sunk. Say what you want about Lil' Animal (and he's very good), but he doesn't get off blocks. Never has. If the LSU O-Line gets to the second level with consistency, it's going to be a replay of last year ... The gameplan last year was very shaky, and honestly, nobody made any adjustments for the Illinoize game either, and that worries me. Prior to really thinking about this, I was pretty confident. Right now...confidence is...waning.

Evan:
Offensively, I'm not scared of any one particular player. They spread the ball around an awful lot so I'm more concerned with them being able to get lots of players involved effectively. I actually think that if they have to keep going back to one particular player that means we've taken them out of their gameplan. I hear they're planning (not all that surprisingly) to use both Flynn and Perriloux at QB, which does scare me a little. They've been pretty effective when they've worked Perriloux into their gameplan.
Defensively, I'm scared of Dorsey and the attention he'll require. I don't know that he'll tear things up himself but he'll demand some double-teams which should free up other defenders.
... Defensively, I think the key is to play disciplined (You racka disiprin!), assignment football. LSU plays "balls out" (thank you, Jerry Rice), emotional football which leads to some sloppiness on their part - I say we play disciplined, Tressel-like football and let LSU shoot themselves in the foot.

Jeff:
I agree with everything that Ev and Kev said for the most part ... Overall, my #1 key is whether our passing game is effective or not. Boeckman simply cannot throw INTs.

Unofficial MGoBlog cartoonist Joel A. Morgan:
As for my "relatively neutral" thoughts on the game itself? Complete and total crapshoot. All season long, I couldn’t help thinking OSU was ridiculously overrated. And, MOST weekends, I thought LSU was far and away the best team playing. But, you know what? Tonight? NONE of that matters. It could be last year all over again. It could be the Miami game all over again. Best case scenario for OSU… Hang a couple of touchdowns and a field goal on them and hold on for dear life…a totally reasonable game plan, and could quite possibly happen. If I were Kirk Herbstreit, I’d talk about the huge chip on OSU’s shoulder. But, that would be lame and would completely discount the game-planning going on for BOTH sides. OSU will no doubt come out with the better game plan. But, Les Miles will be bringing out the old Michigan game plan of "I don’t care if you know what’s coming. It’s coming…and it’s up to you to stop it." They have loads and wads of talent, so it’s up to Sweatervest to plan a way to stop it. So, I guess that’s it. My take: LSU’s talent vs. OSU’s game plan.

Todd:
I'm scared that Matt Flynn doesn't really make big mistakes. I'm also scared that LSU is primarily a running team. So LSU is a team that establishes the run, then uses a veteran QB on play-action.

I'm terrified that Glenn Dorsey might be back at full strength. However, he seemed so destroyed at the end of the season, I'm not convinced he can have all the power he had at the beginning.

However, there is Les Miles. He could decide that they'll only throw the ball. You can't predict crazy.

I want to see as much of their backup QB as possible. And I want him zone blitzed every time he's in the game. He was really effective against Tennessee b\c they weren't getting to him. So, he was throwing 5 yard passes and picking them apart.

But mostly, I want Boeckman not playing scared. Yooge.

Me? It's 7:45. Only thing going on in my mind:
O. M. G.

Third annual thebowl.challenge: we should all be ashamed of ourselves

2008-01-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

Jesse Palmer, people. JESSE PALMER IS BEATING US ALL. JESSE PALMER IS BEATING US ALL. So, today is the game. The big game. This year, even bigger than The Game. Last year, I would have blabbed about the predictive value of appletinis and whatnot. This year, I just sit in abject terror. There will be a roundtable email 'twixt myself, Todd, Jeff, Evan, Cave, Reader Wise, and Unofficial MGoBlog Cartoonist Joel A. Morgan, just because. I will tentatively post a recap of this discussion later today, although that's relatively pointless, considering that that list makes up about 98.735(pi) percent of "our" readership. And then the game will happen. And, Christ willing, Jesse Palmer will not win our group. Please. Please.

On the even more down-side, my boys from Villa lost in the 3rd round of the FA Cup to goddamn Manchester United, so this weekend was even more shit. Speaking of other things, Season 5 of "The Wire" premiered tonight. Obviously, it was the tits. Tell me I'm not the only one who reads this blog AND watches the best show on television. Come on.

More later.

Rank	Team	Owner	Record	PPR	TOTAL
1	Jesse Palmer's Picks	Jesse Palmer	20-11	3	375
2	Football in the Groin	J. Morgan	23-8	18	371
3	The Dur's Picks = FAIL	J. Wise	23-8	32	369
4	Chereth Cutestory	Jack	23-8	12	360
5	Do me, I'm gay	Todd	19-12	7	351
6	The D	Dustin	18-13	14	340
7	I'm kind of a big deal	"B. Gordon"	20-11	2	335
8	Simply The Vest	Jeff	19-12	6	330
9	Stupid Scott	Evan	1	329	111
10	Excelsior!!!!!!	Matt	20-11	19	328
11	The Thunder	"S. Lawrence"	18-13	17	326
12	Joel defends hate crimes	The Dur	20-11	3	320
13	Moyer Entry	My Dad	17-14	5	314
14	Givin' 'em da business	Kat	17-14	17	305
15	lick my houston nutts	Kevin	20-11	24	303

What to do...

2008-01-05T00:21:00.000-05:00

First, let's just get something posted so that the last post isn't staring us in the face every time we come here. Unfortunately I won't be traveling to New Orleans for the game. I came close but it's not happening so I'm stuck with a decision when I get back into town on Monday. Do I go and watch the game at the Bw-3's in St. Louis with the OSU 200 alums who go there every gameday? OR do I watch it at home on my 13 inch TV and possibly write a blog for the game. As fans we start up to a week before the game getting our superstitions all set up (rubbing one off makes the lord root against us). Will it be better luck since I'm not going on the trip this year? In 2002 I stayed home and watched it almost alone. However, I stayed at home and watched the Super Bowl last year and we all remember how that turned out...a week later I was in therapy. What's everyone else doing? (Remember all those Fiesta Bowls we were in? Didn't you find it ridiculous that Tostitos sold out everwhere because people had to have them for their parties. I will never attend another house party to watch a game.)

I was also wondering...how many oranges do you think would fit in Mangino? I actually know the answer so go ahead and guess.

Reader Wise Still Cocky, Jinxed

2007-12-31T12:48:00.001-05:00

With ~~a few games~~ over half of the challenge still remaining a lot of us are still alive. I was going to blog this Air Force vs. Cal game but it will probably just end up with rants about how no one west of the continental divide plays defense and me talking to my imaginary stuffed animal. Air Force is running the option at will but also seems to think defense is an option as well (see, I'm not on my game today)...So much witeboi in the secondary. OK I really didn't have much else to say, I think we all can see the purpose of this entry.

Alamo Bowl SOC

2007-12-30T01:08:00.000-05:00

Welcome boys and boys to 2007 Alamo Bowl. For those of you who just watched the Liberty Bowl, I’m sorry.

A little pre-gaming in the studio: Lou Holtz loves Rick Neuheisel. I think they attended the same dirty coach clinic. Holtz thinks he’s a great recruiter. “Shine here, shine here!” Holtz declares what the recruits should do in his usual cereal-eating old man jubilee.

All right, Holtz and Mark May both are going with Penn St. /Sigh My prediction: Pain. Also, my over/under on number of Paterno pant changes is 1.5.

It’s Paterno’s 500^th game. I’m surprised it’s not more. He’s old. In the booth, we have Craig James, Doug Flutie, and Chris Fowler, huzzah. They tell me that the Nitanny Kitties are favored over TAMU. Whatev.

Erin Andrews! Honestly, if she showed some cleavage her career would explode all over her face. And my HD just stopped working…wait for it….and we’re back!

Alamo bowl memories: Nebraska, Nebraska, and Bill Nebraska. Terrific. 13^th B10 vs. B12 Alamo bowl and the B10 has a 7-5 lead. At the TAMU pep rally, there were some Faggies that said naughty things. Tisk.

1^st Quarter:

Stephen McGee leads out the offense for the 9^th straight year. Also, Jorvorskie Lane is fat, but they just call him thunder. The Penn St. D is obviously expecting running plays by TAMU, but TAMU throws on all plays on their series and still goes 3 and out.

MUFF!! And you can’t advance a muff, but PSU recovers.

Out of nowhere Anthony Morelli unleashes a rope. If he keeps that up, I might have to take away his nickname of TonyMo, but I doubt it.

TAMU D-Lineman Cyril Obiozor! He wins name of the game. He is the Obiozors! Expect a big game from him.

Meanwhile a football game is happening and TAMU looks really slow. They’ve got that Big 12 speed. And as I type that Penn St is stuffed on a 3^rd and 1 at the TAMU 38. JoePa is going for it. Seriously, he’s in the game. QB sneak from TonyMo and they…..eh…..got it? Replay….guh? Terrible call, yay! Go Big 10!

Textbook drop by Penn St. on 3^rd down. So JoePa attempts a 47 yard FG, and he misses. Cutaway, “ahhh nuts”, exclaims Fowler, and Craig James gives a very southern giggle. For fun.

At a pep rally, JoePa is teaching Penn St fans how to cheer. He’s old. Also, the Giants Pats game is apparently on. I didn’t know. It’s currently 7-0 GEEEEEE-Men. I hate myself.

Fowler just describes the Faggies Tight End (heh) as a “specimen”. I love that term. It sounds dirty, but I can't explain why. Also, the Penn St. LBs are getting swallows up. Yum! And during the chewing process, the Faggies punch it in and JoePa’s D look completely unconcerned with that drive. Faggies 7 Kittes 0

The San Antonio Holmes marketing people are all over the commercials in this game. Remember the Alamo? No? Well, never mind then.

Back to the action. JoePa looks confused. He might just be crapping. A possible fumble on the kickoff by the kitties, and you REALLY notice the heavy crowd for TAMU. They somehow rule it a fumble (Faggies recover), even though I swear I heard a whistle. Review time….it’s upheld. Faggies ball at the PSU 16. Wasting no time they score on the first play as the PSU DLine is the suxors. Somewhere, Cyril is pleased. Faggies 14 Kitties 0

I’m eating an English Muffin and the Faggies just love those penetrating holes. I know it’s early, but it appears the kitties are mailing it in. After looking slow at the start, TAMU is now flying around the field. Turn on the refs mic! And they don’t. Also, Morelli remembers that he’s bad. Faggies force punt and take over at their own 20.

Craig James is rambling about a polecat. Heedly! I’m lost. Meanwhile the 1^st quarter is over. Things are not going well.

2^nd Quarter

Highly definite! Also, I’m joined by Heather and Scooter for the time being. As Heather begins saying redrum, redrum for no apparent reason. Erin Andrews is wearing a zip-up plaid potato sack for a vest and the kitties cannot stop the Texas play.

The Faggies RB stops in the backfield on 3^rd and one for no reason, and a big stop for PSU. Punt and Derrick Williams pulls the very rare and even less effective juke INTO the defender. Fowler tells me that Kinlaw continues to “show a muscle” and I’m turned on.

Now it’s the Faggies D getting swallowed up. There’s a lot of swallowing going on. Jeff? You at the game? Terrible play call on 3^rd down and PSU goes for it on 4^th and 3 from the TAMU 30. Despite how bad Morelli is, it’s somehow caught for a TD. Replay. Wow! That’s a great catch. But will they review? Yes. This is dicey. I think that’s a catch, but wow. I’m not sure this play could be reversed no matter what was called on the field. Waiting….waiting….waiting…and officials can’t hear the replay booth. Super. We’re back and the call stands! Huzzah. Faggies 14 Kitties 7

Giant lead the Pats 14-10 and I don’t care. Also, Heather knows that DSL is short for Dick Sucking Lips and I’ve never been prouder. This comes up because I declare Brad Pitt’s baby girl has them.

Now it’s TAMU that looks bored with the game. The momentum in this game has been yooge for both teams. Penn St gets a sack despite being held twice and neither were called. Also, someone’s mom looks terrified. Scooter, “FUMBLE!!!!” It is and the kitties recover at they TAMU 11. I bet this is reviewed. It’s not, and I’m wrong again.

Holy cross. Also wasting no time, PSU scores on the first play, but did he fumble at the goalline? Officials say no, no review. I think he made it, but it was close. And we have a game! Faggies 14 Kitties 14

Mmmmmm….cheezy gordida crunch.

Running the option with Joverski Lane is like running it with a tackle. He’s fat. And the official violently calls a penalty on TAMU. He’s….excitable. And it’s 3^rd and 22 for TAMU. Punt time and Penn St should get good field position. They don’t. Kitties take over at about their own 25.

Mike Sherman is the new Faggies coach as they continue to try to convince us that they’re a big time program. Listen TAMU, you’re not. Sorry.

Penn St has to punt after doing nothing and I’m getting really bored with this game. I need some terrible announcers or an AFLAC question. Heather inquires about my novel as my head explodes.

Great ass grab by the Penn St coach! We’re all marveling at it. Meanwhile it’s 3^rd and 2 for the Faggies. They don’t get it and it’s punt time. I need some Lou Holtz. I feel dirty about it, but I do.

Ahhh yes, Morelli is still awful and all is right with the world. But there’s a pass interference on TAMU. I think the official just feels bad that no pass will get within 10 yards of a kittie receiver. Morelli goes deep again, he’s the sex cannon! He likes throwing high. I think someone else just showed a muscle, but honestly I can’t be sure.

Tipped pass caught by the center! And in case you’re keeping track, it’s his first reception of the season. Get Rece some WATER!!! He’s all choked up back in the studio. Back to the game and Morelli overthrows someone by 15 yards. That’s his 9^th over throw of the half. Holding on PSU…and overthrow number 10. I’m officially tracking it now.

Oddly, the kitties run the ball with only 50 sec left in the half and they have to use a timesout. Penn St year in review and Fowler says, “Ohio St was just better than them”. And Penn St fans are furious. I giggle. Oh right, overthrow 11 as they had a wide open TD.

So Penn St keeps using the back up QB to run and it works again, even on 3^rd and nine. Why not. 1^st and Goal as the spot gets reviewed. Move it back to the seven. Whatev. I feel a Morelli pick on the way.

1^st and goal: 4 yard….nope, incomplete. Odd.

2^nd and goal: Shovel pass, nothing, timesout PSU

Flutie is concerned that a Faggie’s fiancé is a whore.

3^rd and goal: OHHH! That was almost the pick I predicted.

Kitties convert the short FG and take their first lead in the game. Kitties 17 Faggies 14

20 seconds until half. Nothing doing for TAMU on one of the most awkward lateral plays ever and it’s half time. Paterno asks if Matlock if on

Lou Holtz! He’s giggling and honey oozes out of his nose.

3^rd Quarter

Heather notices how awful Erin Andrews outfit is, and she’s right. However, I’m just ignoring it and mostly worried that I might be showing a muscle. Meanwhile the kittie band shaves letters in their heads and the mildly retarded Craig James thinks is drawn on. Not to be outdone, the completely retarded TonyMo throws one right into a D lineman’s chest. It’s dropped. I say, at least someone could have caught it. I think that’s an improvement for him.

Faggies take over after a punt and immediately turn it over. Well done. Kitty ball at their own 43 and JoePa takes out 12 overthrow Morelli again. TonyMo comes back in, CHUCK IT!!! Ahhh, the moonball (overthrow #13) into double coverage and it’s picked. TAMU ball at their own 2.

Great moment: they show Morelli’s stats (10 for 24, but don’t show he has 13 overthrows) and mention that he believes he has a future at the next level. Next level of what? I’m concerned. Jorvorski Lane fumbles, TAMU gets lucky and recovers and advances it.

Holy cross! TAMU goes for it on 4^th and 1 from their own 40. Craig James thinks it’s a great call. *Sigh* Play action, and….EEEE….he barely got it.

The Faggie RB Goodson is an animated runner. Things are flailing all over the place. The Faggies are going to the Texas play on about 80% of their plays.

TAMU is having a nice drive after taking over at their own 2. I think they Faggies are dangerously close to getting flagged for a celebration penalty.

Flutie and James discuss the wordity of Trickeration.

The TAMU kicker hooks in a 38 yarder to tie it up. Nice drive by the Faggies there. However, still think it was a bad call to go for it on their own 40. Whatev. Kitties 17 Aggies 17

I actually think TAMU has outplayed Penn St. so far, but if TonyMo could even approach competent PSU will pull this one out. You listening Tom Brady? Pull out!

Ok, Josh Beckett is a frumpy tool. I think we can all agree on that. And shit. Kinlaw is hurt. Apparently he showed too much muscle.

The Patriots just scored to go up on a Brady-Moss hookup as they both set record for most TDs in a season on the same play. Yay?

JoePa looks confused.

TonyMo WANTED to overthrow again, but the wideout yanks it down for a big first down. He’s still awful. However, approaching competent is on my radar. And PSU runs the Texas play with QB #17.

JoePa looks tired.

JoePa looks grumpy.

MASSIVE HOLE for a 25 yard TD romp right up the gut. The kitties take a lead near the end of the third quarter. That was a big answer to the nice TAMU drive. Kitties 24 Faggies 17

Feels like the Faggies are due for a turnover. Any more points for the kitties and this one is over. As they’d be forced to throw, which doesn’t work for them.

Craig James has really stepped up his game as a terrible announcer. I’m pumped. Now we’re discussing Brooklyn. Why not. Oh my my MY!! Apparently JoePa de-pantsed a Miami player before the '87 bowl game when they were wearing fatigues. I guess the obvious question is: how did he see him?

4^th Quarter

Heather takes off her shoes and her feet reek. Jackson should be jealous.

Craig James thinks TAMU should be happy that they’re losing in the 4^th quarter. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Meanwhile, nice hold by PSU to force a punt. They take over at their own 32.

So my SOC commercial versus game tally has officially become TonyMo overthrows 13 versus the San Antonio Holmes promos (currently at 9) . I’m excited to see who wins. Well, not really.

WE ARE!!! BIG GAYS!!!!!

Nice stop by TAMU to hold PSU to a three and out. PUNT (Teen Girl Squad) MUFFED! And you can’t advance a muff. TAMU recovers at their own 1. James thinks he should have kept fumbling it. Craig is REALLY stepping it up for me. I can't wait to see how much worse he can get.

TAMU holds in the end zone (ahem, in YOUR end zone) but the CUSA refs won’t call it to give the kitties a safety. Instead, Me and Stephen McGee make a nice play to get a first. However, he’s very awful. But, I think McGee knows he’s awful. TonyMo is dangerously awful for the exact opposite reason.

Craig tells me about the hero position. I die a little.

McGee does it again as he gets a corner to bite and complete it up the sideline on 3^rd and 11. And Heather falls asleep while scooter eats a hot pocket.

The side judge gets knocked down, possibly for lack of blaccuracy (he's black). I want a replay to see what happened. Ahhhh. Penn St coaches were creeping on the field. Jerks.

Another nice drive by TAMU. Now at the PSU 34 with a 3^rd and 3. The kitties are now getting no pressure on McGee. The Patriots go 16-0. Sigh. Oh, they pick up the 1^st.

TAMU has a 4^th and inches at the PSU 2. I think they have to go. They do. And, they….FALL DOWN! Classic. Kitties take over on downs. I think PSU had the option sniffed out anyway, but text book fall down makes it all the better.

Goddamn this is a long game. 3.5 hours in and still have half a quarter to go. At least the sponsors are happy. Scooter is eating ham.

Kinlaw returns from his rib injury and immediately shows a muscle.

Oh dear. Joblowme Lane is crying. Doesn’t he know who the PSU QB is? This game is far from over. TAMU students make gun gestures. I’m confused.

Heather awakes and begins signing an original song about ice cream. I’m terrified.

There he is! Overthrow 14. I knew TonyMo would make another appearance. Kitties have to punt. 4 minutes left. Jesus. End all ready!

Shovel pass by McGee, dangerously close to being over the line there. No replay, I wanted to see that again. Oddly, TAMU stays committed to run even this late in the game. However, there is plenty of time.

Palm forward holding call on TAMU backs them into a 2^nd and 20. McGee then throws to no one in particular and it’s 3^rd and 20.

McGee gets crushed after the throw and it’s 4^th and 20. TAMU elects to punt with 2:09 to go. Touchback. The kitties need to kill 2 minutes to take home the win.

Kitties pick up a first down and that should just about do it. TAMU take their last timesout with a buck 22 to go. More crying from TAMU players. AND……that’s it. Almost 4 hours and over 2500 words. Congrats to Penn St. on the Alamo Bowl win and to graduating TonyMo. All us buckeye fans sure will miss you.

Final Score: Kitties 24 Faggies 17

Third annual thebowl.challenge: December 29 edition

2007-12-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

Wha happen'?

TCU beat Houston 20-13 and no one saw the game and no one cared.
Boston college beat Michigan State 24-21 in a remarkably even game. The difference was five MSU turnovers, including 4 picks by Spartan QB Brian Hoyer, who was bad, bad, bad in this game. I guess saying "the difference was the turnovers" is the functional equivalent of saying that the difference between the two teams was QB play: Hoyer was terrible and BC all-everything signal caller Matt Ryan was merely underwhelming. Ryan was 22-47 for 249 with 3 TDs and 2 INTs, while Hoyer was 14-36 for 131 with 2 TDs and 4 INTs. I don't think either team cracked 300 yards of offense. This could have been a great feather in the Big Ten's cap, with this season's main storyline apparently being "Jesus, the Big Ten is terrible": anyone watching the game could tell that this 3-5 Big Ten team was the functional equivalent of the ACC's runner-up. But the Spartans ended up losing by three, so this game is almost definitely gonna be filed away and ignored, just like last year's Alamo Bowl where 2-6 Iowa led most of the game against Texas and lost in the final minutes.
On the flip side, Oregon State beat Maryland 21-14 in a game that the Beavers, well ... they didn't quite "dominate," but they were clearly the better team. Maryland got up 14-7 at the end of the first quarter behind two big plays from its offense. That offense basically did nothing the rest of the game, as OSU slowly exploited their talent advantage behind their defense, a very good running game, and extremely middling QB play. This game was way more boring than the score indicated.

In the pick 'em, there was a lot of point accumulation, what with there being three games played. Reader Wise passed Unofficial MGoBlog Cartoonist Joel A. Morgan for the lead, and Jeffy shot up to #3 on the strength of his 3-0 day that netted him 55 points. Other big movers:

Jesse Palmer (not pictured) went 2-1, but he had 27 points on BC and 26 on Oregon State, totalling 53 points (but losing his 17-point game, Houston).
Coworker Ben went apeshit, going 3-0 and netting 56 points.
Joanna shot up the charts with 50 points accumulated on a 2-1 day.
Evan went 2-1, but got his 28- and 19-point games correct (in a Palmer-esque move, he put 16 on Houston), for 47 points.
Coworker Stephen went 2-1, but got his 29- and 13-point games correct, for a 42-point day.
Yours truly went 3-0 for 45 points.
Todd went 3-0 for 44 points.
Kat, Scooter, and S. Lawrence netted 37, 38, and 43 points, respectively.

Aaaaaaaan Adam was the lone group member to go 0-3. Standings are below (Jesse Palmer is tied for 3rd).

Rank	Team	Owner	Record	PPR	TOTAL
1	The Dur's picks = FAIL	J. Wise	10-1	343	157
2	Football in the Groin	J. Morgan	10-1	346	152
3	Simply The Vest	Jeff	10-1	349	147
4	Do me, I'm gay	Todd	8-3	356	144
5	Chereth Cutestory	Jack	10-1	366	132
6	Westender	The Cave	7-4	358	122
7	Charlie Weiss Cat	Kristin	6-5	375	114
8	Ben	Ben	8-3	350	112
9	Excelsior!!!!!!	Matt	8-3	382	111
10	lick my houston nutts	Kevin	7-4	375	107
10	The D	Dustin	6-5	352	107
12	Special Education Conference	Andrea	8-3	409	106
13	Suck on Effervescent Cocks	Ryan	8-3	385	105
14	Stupid Scott	Evan	6-5	358	99
15	Joel defends hate crimes	The Dur	8-3	400	94